Sunday, June 12, 2011
Who I'm born to be...
My true reason for being born was so I could be a Mother. For there is no other thing on this Earth that could make you so crazy, happy, sad, mad, frustrated, worried, scared or love to the capacity you do when you are a Mother. And to wake up day after day ready to feel it again and again is the true blessing.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Sometimes I feel so alone...
Have you ever had a moment when you're in the Middle of a crowded room but you still feel alone? Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to death but my mind wonders to the One I Love and sometimes I feel as if I'm the only one. I feel alone and at a loss.
I guess for some it's different but when you become so connected and emotionally involved it becomes almost as if you're alone when they stop talking to you or barely give you a thought in their day. You feel the loss of your best friend in ways they don't seem to understand. Like it's unfathomable that you wouldn't talk to other people like you do with them. I sometimes wonder if he will understand that when you're friends and lovers they can be separate and also exclusively meshed together.
So many times I share something about my day and I barely get a response, when a year ago or before that, we'd be constantly on the phone texting or talking, since it's the only way we can stay connected. Now I'm lucky to get a hi back or even a response. The honeymoon seems to be over before we've had a chance to start...
Being surrounded by my kids helps me sometimes, but I still feel that aloneness, when I think of him which is often. Blah... I'm in a funk and need to find a distraction. I guess I'll be on IG all night. 0__O
I guess for some it's different but when you become so connected and emotionally involved it becomes almost as if you're alone when they stop talking to you or barely give you a thought in their day. You feel the loss of your best friend in ways they don't seem to understand. Like it's unfathomable that you wouldn't talk to other people like you do with them. I sometimes wonder if he will understand that when you're friends and lovers they can be separate and also exclusively meshed together.
So many times I share something about my day and I barely get a response, when a year ago or before that, we'd be constantly on the phone texting or talking, since it's the only way we can stay connected. Now I'm lucky to get a hi back or even a response. The honeymoon seems to be over before we've had a chance to start...
Being surrounded by my kids helps me sometimes, but I still feel that aloneness, when I think of him which is often. Blah... I'm in a funk and need to find a distraction. I guess I'll be on IG all night. 0__O
Sunday, May 22, 2011
My Life - Part 1 Starting at the beginning....
My journey didn't begin a year ago when I started this Blog. It started over 20 years ago and has brought me here. Although I am 37(going on 38), the journey I speak of, is the one that lead me to this moment in my life. But to be honest I need to start at my earliest memories that lead me to the Present. So I will start with my earliest memories of childhood that helped shape who I've become and to what contributing factors they had on choosing my path.
I was born in September of 1973 in SoCal. I had an older sister and I want to assume my parents were happily married. I have vague recollections of my childhood except I remember I played t-ball when I was young. I remember Kindergarten and my teachers name was Mrs. Davis. I don't know when my dad left, I do know why, and I don't know exactly when he came back but it was around the time I was 5/6 yrs old. He stayed the longest this time bc my baby sister and I are 7 years apart and my parents divorced about 4 years later.
My early years with my parents are hard to recall because I don't remember too many great times or any times really. I remember them fighting when I had the chicken pox, I remember my dad and I arguing over the most asinine things. We had on two separate occasions, Japanese exchange students stay a summer with us and that was fun. I got a wire hanger stuck in my eye. Not the eyeball. But one minute it was stuck in my blanket, the next it was hanging out of my eye. I remember going to physical therapy sessions for my oldest sister bc she has CP on her left side. I split the back of my head on the way to one bc the one time my mom actually had to slam on her breaks, I fell back into the dashboard bc I was facing the backseat. Obviously not listening, not wearing my seatbelt and not sitting in the backseat like I'm sure I was supposed to. Didn't realize the seriousness of it til we got to the therapy place and the back of my head was bleeding. (that may explain a few things)
I remember our neighbors from the apartment we lived in before my sister was born. I remember playing in the yard and taking our laundry to the back where the machines were. Sleeping next to the wall heater some nights when I'd wake in the night. We moved to a house and I found new friends and had some lovely neighbors who became more than that. I found a sense of belonging that I hadn't felt before.
I was in the middle of my 7th grade year when my mom moved my sisters and I to my grandmothers place in the Monterey area. New school in the middle of February, different climate, different type of people and the belief it was temporary. Wasn't told my parents were getting divorced or that our dad wouldn't be seeing us that much (his choice) or that life as we knew it was changed forever.
Our family wasn't a very huggy, touchy feely or share emotions type of family. It was rare when it would happen and so rare I cant recall in my early years how many times I was held or told I was loved by an adult family memeber. Sad but true. ( try explaining this to someone who knew and was told often they are loved, they just don't get it)
I've got to honestly say being the middle child really sucked. My oldest sister, who is 4 years older than me, has CP like I mentioned earlier, and is not a typical older sister. Wasn't supportive and looked to much for approval that she wasn't really a good sister to me. My baby Sis is well, the Baby, so that in itself says it all. She was spoiled (yes I spoiled her also) she was given more freedoms than I ever had and I think was loved the most by both parents. I had to find a way to depend on me, look out for me and to figure out my place in a family that I felt I never belonged to. Feeling like a stranger in my own family. And to find a way to feel like I was loved, wanted and needed and that I belonged to someone somewhere....
So that is my beginning. The start of what has yet to come....
I was born in September of 1973 in SoCal. I had an older sister and I want to assume my parents were happily married. I have vague recollections of my childhood except I remember I played t-ball when I was young. I remember Kindergarten and my teachers name was Mrs. Davis. I don't know when my dad left, I do know why, and I don't know exactly when he came back but it was around the time I was 5/6 yrs old. He stayed the longest this time bc my baby sister and I are 7 years apart and my parents divorced about 4 years later.
My early years with my parents are hard to recall because I don't remember too many great times or any times really. I remember them fighting when I had the chicken pox, I remember my dad and I arguing over the most asinine things. We had on two separate occasions, Japanese exchange students stay a summer with us and that was fun. I got a wire hanger stuck in my eye. Not the eyeball. But one minute it was stuck in my blanket, the next it was hanging out of my eye. I remember going to physical therapy sessions for my oldest sister bc she has CP on her left side. I split the back of my head on the way to one bc the one time my mom actually had to slam on her breaks, I fell back into the dashboard bc I was facing the backseat. Obviously not listening, not wearing my seatbelt and not sitting in the backseat like I'm sure I was supposed to. Didn't realize the seriousness of it til we got to the therapy place and the back of my head was bleeding. (that may explain a few things)
I remember our neighbors from the apartment we lived in before my sister was born. I remember playing in the yard and taking our laundry to the back where the machines were. Sleeping next to the wall heater some nights when I'd wake in the night. We moved to a house and I found new friends and had some lovely neighbors who became more than that. I found a sense of belonging that I hadn't felt before.
I was in the middle of my 7th grade year when my mom moved my sisters and I to my grandmothers place in the Monterey area. New school in the middle of February, different climate, different type of people and the belief it was temporary. Wasn't told my parents were getting divorced or that our dad wouldn't be seeing us that much (his choice) or that life as we knew it was changed forever.
Our family wasn't a very huggy, touchy feely or share emotions type of family. It was rare when it would happen and so rare I cant recall in my early years how many times I was held or told I was loved by an adult family memeber. Sad but true. ( try explaining this to someone who knew and was told often they are loved, they just don't get it)
I've got to honestly say being the middle child really sucked. My oldest sister, who is 4 years older than me, has CP like I mentioned earlier, and is not a typical older sister. Wasn't supportive and looked to much for approval that she wasn't really a good sister to me. My baby Sis is well, the Baby, so that in itself says it all. She was spoiled (yes I spoiled her also) she was given more freedoms than I ever had and I think was loved the most by both parents. I had to find a way to depend on me, look out for me and to figure out my place in a family that I felt I never belonged to. Feeling like a stranger in my own family. And to find a way to feel like I was loved, wanted and needed and that I belonged to someone somewhere....
So that is my beginning. The start of what has yet to come....
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