Another Fathers Day

Last year I wrote a little about Fathers Day. This year for me is still hard to deal with for two reasons.

The first reason being, I still miss my dad. After 5 years his death still stings unlike anything I've ever felt. He wasn't a great dad, in fact he really sucked at it. I'm one of ten children that he had with several different women. My mom being the last of the women, we hope. 

While he was in the moment, or what ever you want to call it, he was there. He committed to my mom the longest and he had three children with a good age gap to say he was still in the marriage. Now maybe there is another kid between my younger sister and I (we're seven years apart, so you never know) but let's just concentrate on what we do know. 

The memories I have of my dad are mainly the embarrassing ones. Dad in his tighty whiteies getting the newspaper, him taking his false teeth out in public, finding a stack of Playboys next to his favorite candy and mine, Whoppers. Trying to be funny and calling Denny's, Lennys. Things like this will be cherish and most remembered along with the heartaches. He was the first man to break my heart. But in the end I found the strength to forgive him and just love him for the man he is. 

My second reason is because, through all my messy separation and pending divorce, I've found someone who I am truly myself with and he's not here. In fact he and his daughter, soon to be mine, are currently living in Hawai'i. 

I have discovered an old friend who became a new friend and now a new love. We have shared everything and have yet more to discover about each other. Our kids have become part of the foundation that is what makes us work. Hard to explain but it's unlike anything I've ever known. 

To have found the love of my life so late in my life and with someone I never thought or expected to find it with is a blessing. What attracted me first was the fact that he was a wonderful father to his daughter and step daughter. The girls share the same mother but she's not and has not been a part of their lives in more years than I can count. He's taking care of his business and without help and that's commendable and attractive to me. And they will get to have a mom in me if they want it. 

So today I celebrate my dad and my love with a heavy heart. To my dad, who was just a man, and only human. Who despite his many faults, I loved him any way. To my love, soon an ocean wont be between us and we can begin our journey together. 

~•~Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality. ~Emily Dickinson

Who I'm born to be...

My true reason for being born was so I could be a Mother. For there is no other thing on this Earth that could make you so crazy, happy, sad, mad, frustrated, worried, scared or love to the capacity you do when you are a Mother. And to wake up day after day ready to feel it again and again is the true blessing.

Sometimes I feel so alone...

Have you ever had a moment when you're in the Middle of a crowded room but you still feel alone? Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to death but my mind wonders to the One I Love and sometimes I feel as if I'm the only one. I feel alone and at a loss.


I guess for some it's different but when you become so connected and emotionally involved it becomes almost as if you're alone when they stop talking to you or barely give you a thought in their day. You feel the loss of your best friend in ways they don't seem to understand. Like it's unfathomable that you wouldn't talk to other people like you do with them. I sometimes wonder if he will understand that when you're friends and lovers they can be separate and also exclusively meshed together.


So many times I share something about my day and I barely get a response, when a year ago or before that, we'd be constantly on the phone texting or talking, since it's the only way we can stay connected. Now I'm lucky to get a hi back or even a response. The honeymoon seems to be over before we've had a chance to start...

Being surrounded by my kids helps me sometimes, but I still feel that aloneness, when I think of him which is often. Blah... I'm in a funk and need to find a distraction. I guess I'll be on IG all night. 0__O

What is your reason to be the Best you can be? I have 3... How many do you have?

These are not my favorite days. The last day the kids aren't with me. It sucks big donkey balls and that's no lie.