Since the suicide death of actor, comedian Robin Williams, I've been thinking a lot about what would cause someone to take their life. When on the outside it appears he had everything. Love, adoration, fame and wealth...
Money, can't buy you love, happiness and in this case, peace of mind. Love, isn't enough if you don't believe it, feel you deserve it or accept it. Fame, is a side effect to putting yourself out there for others to watch your 'genius' at work. He was indeed a genius in his craft. Adoration, earned by acts of selflessness and a genuine care and love for all life.
But what leads someone, who allegedly 'had it all', to feel such despair that their only thought to feeling better is, to kill themself? The demons he fought and lost to, must have been so strong that he couldn't find a way out of his dark place. His family will always wonder and feel like they could've done something but in reality, no one could have gotten him through it but him.
I've felt a depression and a hopelessness before. I've even contemplated taking my life, thinking the world would be a better place without me. I'd thought my kids would be better off without me in their lives and that I was a waste of space. I can't say what brought me out of it or what I did to remind me that life is worth living, I just knew that I had to love someone or something better than I loved the dark place I lived in for a time. And I do. My three beautiful children. I didn't want them I grow up without a mother or to ever think I didn't love them enough to live. It also wasn't about them, but about me finding myself in a World full of people but feeling so alone.
When surrounded by people who love you or claim to, can be suffocating at times. Especially if you feel you haven't done anything to deserve it. The questions come, Why? Why can't I feel right in my own skin? When will the feeling end and I can just be? Where do I belong in a place that doesn't seem like my own? Questions that can only be answered by the person asking.
I felt a true sadness for Robin and his family because I had a vague idea of what he may have felt. He brought so much life and laughter and you can only hope that someone could've brought him the same, if only to show him how wonderful he was and what he meant to so many. Maybe the strain of being 'on' all the time was too much. Maybe life was just too unbearable and he didn't know how to make it bearable. Maybe he was meant to be here for a short time, to inflict his genius and his humanitarianism and leave a legacy that will be forever captured in film. Maybe the laughter was an escape but wasn't enough to mask the pain he felt. I hope he is now at peace and his family will find closure sometime soon.
I implore anyone who reads this to seek help if they feel like life is not for the living but for the dead. I wish you all good health.
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