Grieving a death...

Grief...  

It comes in waves. It crashes down on you with all the weight of the world. It ebbs as if it were never there only to come back with a driving force that knocks you over without warning. 

You have good days and you have bad days. The good days are when you're fine and your thoughts are your own and they are not consumed with grief, sorrow and regret. The bad days, they are bad. Grief consumes your every emotion, sorrow is in your every feeling and regret is in your every thought. 

Every memory is a slideshow of vignettes that make you long for just one more day to get one more memory. Walking you back through time in a myriad of emotions and memories that have the ability to cripple you. 

Time changes nothing while death can change everything. It changes how you speak.  Everything becomes 'was' instead of 'is'. Or 'remember when?' or 'remember that time?'... You don't speak the words often and you wish the words away. Because with those words you must acknowledge that someone is no longer there and it 

You stare out into space and your mind blanks and a feeling descends upon you that you cannot escape. You shut down and you shut all those around you out. And in that moment you do not exist. Grief it has become you. You are drowning in it and at times you feel yourself wanting to stay in it. It's a warm blanket that you wrap yourself in and it's comforting. You have to be careful to not get too comfortable or it will consume you. 

It is the anniversary of my Fathers death and it will always hit me hard. With the grief comes the regret. With the regret comes ven more sorrow. It's a visious cycle that ends eventually only to come back again every year.

Help! I feel helpless...

Help me! I feel so helpless. I sit here listening to my sister being put down and being called names and she is actually believing these things this person is telling her. I won't call him a man because if he were a man, he wouldn't need to put his drama and his insecurities on someone else. Be it my sister or any one else. 

How do I help someone who won't leave this particular situation? She will, but she goes back. Over and over. I worry about her all the time and I can't be the one to tell her what she should do. 

Love or dependency? I don't know, the lines are blurred. I have a desire to fight her battles and protect her from the drama but I know this is something she must work through. She must see what the answers are for herself. I can't guide her with a gentle push but the ultimate answers are within her. Only she can put an end to the negative thoughts and the dark voices inside. But it doesn't stop me from want to try to help. 

We find the strength to overcome things when we feel we've had enough. She has survived a physically abusive relationship in the past but this one is just as toxic and just as emotionally draining. I always say that physical pain is better than emotional pain bc the bruises will fade and eventually go away but the mental pain and suffering go on and on. 

How do we find ourselves in these types of situations? The quote, 'We accept the love we think we deserve.' Is very telling. It is up to us to acknowledge what we perceive as 'deserved'. We can only accept it if it this way or that way. Easier to believe the negative than it is to believe something good for ourselves. 

Someday there will be resolve. But until then. I will worry and try to help as much I'm allowed.... 

A New Year...

Happy New Year? 

I start the new year, unemployed. Yay me... Not how I intended but things happen and now I must move forward. Not such a happy ending to last year, but what can I do? It's done. 

Amazing how something like getting fired can knock you on your ass like nothing else could. My kids would've told me they were gay and I wouldn't have been as blown away as I was when I got my walking papers. I didn't make a fuss bc I was in shock for a week. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Now, I've been on the hunt for a new job doing something new. And it's sucking at a high rate of speed. 

A new year marks new beginnings and all that bull$#!t so I will make a new beginning. I won't make a resolution so I can only loathe myself later that I didn't make it passed March in keeping it. I will just keep telling myself I have plenty to be thankful for and keep trying to find my happy place. 

A new year also allows you to start over and get something right you screwed up the year before. Being a parent it's also a time to remind yourself that your kids grow older and are moving further away from you as well. So enjoy every moment and don't sweat the small stuff. 

This new year can only bring new things and a chance to get something right. We can only know how it went when we reflect at the end of this year. 

So until then, make each moment count and try to look for small victories to make it through. We are all doing the same thing. And that, is the Best we can do. 

A Letter to My Middle Child

Dear MiniMe,

Life is rough. Life is unfair. Life is good. It may not seem like it all the time, but I love you with all that I am and ever will be. We may get on each other's nerves from time to time and you may feel suffocated by my mothering a lot of the time. But, I promiss you, I do all I do because I love you and want you to know you are always loved no matter what you say or do. You make me laugh. You frustrate me. You give me a reason to be a good mom. 

It sucks being the middle child. I would know since I am a middle child. And I know it sucks. The pressures to be better than your oldest sibling and to be more special than your younger sibling is a lot to live up to. You want to emulate your older sibling while attempting to be a good role model for your younger sibling.  It's a rough ride when you have an older sibling who can literally suck the life out of every situation and can make even the most simple and fun thing be such a chore. And then the competition for attention is worse when your younger sibling is not only the baby of the family but is the only boy too. Talk about rotten luck. But we must deal with the hand we are dealt. 

I will say though that you have a sweeter disposition than I ever did at your current age (12 going on 16 😔) and that helps because you are very likable to others and lovable to me. The only problem is, is that you still crave attention so badly but you must go about it a different way. Whether it be to be noticed by doing something good or bad, you just want to be noticed and there is no harm or shame in going after what you want. It's just in the way you go about it that matters. Negative attention is still attention but it won't be as satisfying as the positive attention given when you do something good because then you feel good about what you did and for the attention it got you. Praise feels so much better to give than being disappointed. No matter what kind of attention you seek and how you go about getting it, I want you to know I love you no matter what. 

And remember, your attitude towards yourself is more important and it reflects how you handle situations. You are precious to me. Your personality is so unlike how I was at your age and yet we are probably more alike now then we will ever be from these days forward. We have things we like to do. I love to read and listen to music. If I could get a job doing just that, I would. I like to eat and I like being outdoors. You like all of the above but I think you like being outdoors as long as you don't have to walk or climb or be too active. In time, I hope that changes. I think I could sit with you and just listen to music and read and we wouldn't have to talk. 

Although I'd like to talk to you. I'd like to know what you're thinking. I'd like to know how you're feeling. Only if you let me in. The unanswered question is the question never asked. It's not easy talking to you because I know you'd mostly want my approval more than you'd care about anything else. Just know that what ever you say is going to be heard. If you want me to say something, you need only ask. I may not know everything or have an answer for everything, but I will share what ever you wish to know. Whatever you say will stay between us unless you wish to share it and even then it's for you to share. 

I hope someday you will see the special and wonderful young woman you are and will become. I don't say it because I'm your mother but because it's true. If only you believe it to be true. And someday I hope you will. I Love You Sweet Girl. Always and forever. 

Laughter with a side of Sadness

Laughter, they say, is the best medicine. But, sometimes, laughter masks the deepest of sadness. 

Since the suicide death of actor, comedian Robin Williams, I've been thinking a lot about what would cause someone to take their life. When on the outside it appears he had everything. Love, adoration, fame and wealth... 

Money, can't buy you love, happiness and in this case, peace of mind. Love, isn't enough if you don't believe it, feel you deserve it or accept it. Fame, is a side effect to putting yourself out there for others to watch your 'genius' at work. He was indeed a genius in his craft. Adoration, earned by acts of selflessness and a genuine care and love for all life. 

But what leads someone, who allegedly 'had it all', to feel such despair that their only thought to feeling better is, to kill themself?  The demons he fought and lost to, must have been so strong that he couldn't find a way out of his dark place. His family will always wonder and feel like they could've done something but in reality, no one could have gotten him through it but him. 

I've felt a depression and a hopelessness before. I've even contemplated taking my life, thinking the world would be a better place without me. I'd thought my kids would be better off without me in their lives and that I was a waste of space. I can't say what brought me out of it or what I did to remind me that life is worth living, I just knew that I had to love someone or something better than I loved the dark place I lived in for a time. And I do. My three beautiful children. I didn't want them I grow up without a mother or to ever think I didn't love them enough to live. It also wasn't about them, but about me finding myself in a World full of people but feeling so alone. 

When surrounded by people who love you or claim to, can be suffocating at times. Especially if you feel you haven't done anything to deserve it. The questions come, Why? Why can't I feel right in my own skin? When will the feeling end and I can just be? Where do I belong in a place that doesn't seem like my own? Questions that can only be answered by the person asking. 

I felt a true sadness for Robin and his family because I had a vague idea of what he may have felt. He brought so much life and laughter and you can only hope that someone could've brought him the same, if only to show him how wonderful he was and what he meant to so many. Maybe the strain of being 'on' all the time was too much. Maybe life was just too unbearable and he didn't know how to make it bearable. Maybe he was meant to be here for a short time, to inflict his genius and his humanitarianism and leave a legacy that will be forever captured in film. Maybe the laughter was an escape but wasn't enough to mask the pain he felt. I hope he is now at peace and his family will find closure sometime soon. 

I implore anyone who reads this to seek help if they feel like life is not for the living but for the dead. I wish you all good health.