The End but....

This is something I wrote today. My boyfriend of 3 years called it quits... I'm devastated and hurt and beyond sad... 

The sad thing is my head and my heart aren't listening to each other. My heart will want what my head knows it can't have. Why? Because sadly being in love with someone even if you aren't together anymore doesn't change just because you want it to. 

The good thing is, because of you, I know my worth and I know I'm enough its just too bad you didn't think you were for me. The me that I've become now wants it ALL... I want to love and be loved in return. I want to have mind blowing sex all the time because I know I have it in me to be that free. I want to laugh at the silly things and even while making love bc that's how connected I can be. I want to cry and listen to every pain and hurt. I want to give my whole self and know its received and wanted and I'm getting the same thing in return. 

We had ALL of that. I would love to have it with you still but you want to be alone for now. I know someday you'll find what you need for you. Unfortunately for me you are one of a kind and having it ALL isn't in the cards for me. 

So, I'll be me for me and no one else. I'll be mom and I'll be a friend but I'll have to give up on wanting to have more kids and the life I wanted with the love of my life. 

Maybe, in another 20 years I'll see you and will only wish you well and know that you'll always hold a special place in my heart. And that a huge part of me will always love you no matter how far away you are... Be happy My Love...

...For now, I'll just go on as I need to for my children and live each day trying to fill the void and pain I feel inside. Now to break it to the kids... :(

In Honor of those tragically taken from this world...

Dads... Again...

6yrs isn't long enough for the painful sting of loss to fade, stem the irrational feeling of regret, extinguish the burn of lost opportunities or to stem the flow of emotion that still occurs when I think of my father.

Running to Something or Away from Something?

Lately I've been trying to run at least a couple miles a day and getting competitive with myself again by trying to make the time faster each time. Or longer distance

I run for me. I run to be and stay healthy. I run to feel freedom from being anyone else but just Me. But lately I feel like running is a chore. Something I have to do in order to want to eat or be happy with how I look. Don't get me wrong, I feel great after I do it, but my body tells me a different story.

Sometimes my runs feel like a therapy session where I'm just trying to stay above the water just so I don't drown in my thoughts and pressures.

'Some times I feel I've got to get away' how ironic that a song lyric fits what I feel. I'd like to get away and leave everything behind for someone else to deal with it all. But I'm a grown up and I don't have that choice...

Need to start running again so I can feel good about me again. I'll let the rest take care of itself in its own time.

Everything Changes

Change... Is an inevitable thing that happens whether we are prepared for it or not. Or whether we want it to happen or not. It just happens. Sometimes things are beyond our control and sometimes things happen for reasons only reason can define.

The change I'm referring to right now isn't the stuff that makes a jingling sound in ones pocket or what women go through when they reach a certain age but the kind that can have a lasting and life altering effect on you.

We have been in the process of moving and the kids and I are moving closer to family. I've been watching the kids and how they have been feeling about it all and so far so good.



Now, let's fast forward to a few months after I started this. We have moved and now the reality set in. They are on the fence about it but for the most part seem ok. The oldest is resistant but is resigned that we aren't moving back to where we used to live.

The little ones are still getting used to the idea of their parents not together anymore so this is just the added craziness they are trying to deal with.

Now it's a year later. They have moments of missing where we used to live. But the worst part in all of this is that their father moved further away and rarely sees them. (but that is a different story).

We've all had to learn to adjust and make changes in our lives and so far not too shabby. I'm happier and they see it, they are happy for the most part and are doing well. So far...

We shall see what happens next.