Home Alone...

Ok, so now I'm into the third week of 'The Swap'. I think that's how I will refer the custody arrangements. I don't like it and not really excited about doing it but I have no choice. 

The thing of it is is that they need to have contact with their father also. And I wouldn't begrudge him his time with them no matter how much it pains me to let them go. Because I know what it's like to grow up without a dad, I wouldn't want them to have to know what it's like. But he doesn't make it easy either. When I get them back they are cranky, tired and whiney... Argh! It's so frustrating and at the same time a relief just to have them home with me. So I take the 4 days I have with them undoing everything they did with him so they are consistent and in a secure and stable environment and know that there are boundaries, bedtimes and rules. 

I get it, it's now their new normal but we are all adjusting the best way we can and the best we know how, since this is new for us all.  I never intended life to be challenging for them it is what it is. Do I regret it? Nope! Do I wish I can help them understand it better? Yes. 

I find that I'm unable to leave the house for any reason except to grocery shop the day before I get them back. I don't have anywhere I want to go and I don't have money to do it so it's moot. Nothing to do but be on all the new social networks I've discovered and try to make sense of my new life. I read more and I clean the house but I am really not up to being around people anyway. 

I'm neglecting my friends, I feel strange kind of like I have the scarlet letter tattooed across my chest and I am trying to figure out my next move. Finding a job I can potentially work while the kids are in school and be able to afford after school care if I need to. Being home alone for the first time since I got married and had kids. It's a strange new world for me to navigate but I'm not going backward, just forward. 

Life is going to happen the way it happens and it's up to you to decide how you're going to handle it....