Books...

Just a cup of tea and a book that never ends.... Heaven... 

Parenting A Teenager Will Be the Death of Me.

Since before I could remember I haven't felt close to my oldest daughter. I love her and I would do anything I could to give her her dreams and wishes (within reason). I feel guilty because we haven't bonded in the way her father and her have. I feel sad because she will never understand the depth of my love for her. I feel helpless to know she is in pain and is feeling lost and she won't let me help her or even talk to me about it. I feel like a failure as a parent that she feels the need to usurp my role as the parent when dealing with her siblings and when she ignores me like I'm part of the furniture in the house. I feel badly because sometimes I don't even like her. 

From the beginning, she and I didn't get to connect like I wanted to. After I gave birth to her, I had to return to work after 7 short weeks with her. Her father and I had opposite schedules and I worked during the day and he worked at night. They spent the days bonding while I got to just put her to bed and wake in the night to feed her or get her ready in the mornings for her father to come home and crash while she had TV to keep her attention. I felt bad about that at times but what can you do? 

She has always done things with her father on her own when I had to clean the house do things, it was the two of them. It continued on after her younger sister came and she resented having a sister to have to share her dad with. And then a brother, although she loves him and shows him more than she does for her younger sister. That hurts me the most but I can't change her or how she deals with her feelings. I can only make sure she knows I love her no matter how her sister treats her. (But that's for another post entirely.) 

When I had the nerve to want a divorce she and I had an even more strained relationship. For a moment she hated her father and although I allowed her her feelings I tried not to say anything negative about him in front of them. She went on this way for a while and then it changed back to her hating me and being in love with her father. He gives her the things she wants and I just have rules. 

I won't say I doesn't hurt that it's this way but I can't make her talk to me or share what's going on with her anymore than I can change my feelings for her father and love him again. It is all I could do to just wish to go back in time and start over with her from the very beginning. But that will never happen. All I am able to do now is wait for the day she leaves and doesn't come back and then my life starts over. 

She's angry, hurt, confused and a teenager. Her life and what happens to her are the most important things to her. We are all casualties of circumstance and she has to endure us for the time being. Lashing out and verbally hitting out is her forte and she's been good with it to a certain extent. She won't ever know how every time she opens her mouth I don't believe anything she says to me anymore. I'm just a vessel for her to use while she is here to be used for what she wants and when she wants it. 

She talks of college like she's ready. She's a smart girl and will go far if she stops getting in her own way. I am proud of the things she is able to accomplish. I'm proud of the dreams she wishes to go after. I am proud of her ability to speak her truth even if I feel its a bit skewed at times. I am proud to be her mother whether she cares or not. But I fear at times she is just too scared to tell me she's afraid and talks big and it's kind of getting on my nerves. 

She assumes she knows me and I'm guilty of allowing her to keep her opinions. I've allowed what her father has said about me to go unchanged bc I don't want to start another World War. I haven't tried to reach out to talk to her bc it falls on deaf ears and I have two other children to consider. She takes up more of my emotional and mental capacity than the three of them put together, it's a wonder I'm still sane enough to function as a human being. 

She sucks the life force out of those near her and has no excuses or time to turn and see the wreckage she's left in her wake. The song "Wreaking Ball" just came to mind, I wonder why? 

Part of the issue is her father is so intent to buy her what she wants, give her her every need that he doesn't see the damage he's doing to her by allowing her unseemly behavior to go on unpunished or at the least talk to her like her parent and not a friend. Funny he accused me of trying to be her friend instead of her parent. When in fact I may have been lenient in the beginning of the separation and subsequent divorce, but she still had rules and boundaries. He keeps filling her head with ideas of granduer but doesn't give her the tools to back it up. She's not as street smart as she likes to think she is. She's kind of an airhead at times and the funny thing is she's book smart but can't take the time to learn proper enunciation of regular words or how to use it correctly. 

She feels entitled and probably feel envious about what she thinks she "needs" or is "supposed" to have or feels she "deserves". Working for your money is what I learned early on. She still hasn't figured that out yet. I have been trying to keep her grounded and in reality but it's like stapling jello to a tree, it's not gonna happen. Especially if I get no help from her father who would accuse me of saying he isn't being a good parent. (Which in my opinion, is only partially true.) 

The life of a parent isn't easy and having a brick wall to contend with is even more challenging. I hate to keep her at arms length but I fear her being too close will be my ultimate demise and I have only myself to blame for allowing it to happen. 

Care too much? Is there such a thing?

There are times I feel like I care too much. Not necessarily about what others think of me or anything like that, but about the people in my life and the time I invest in them.

Let's take my oldest daughter first. She's a selfish creature who not only won't let me into her life and without WWIII happening I don't push my way in. I have tried all I could with her by getting her help, putting her on Meds (recommended by the Dr) giving her whatever she wanted (within reason) and still nothing... I'm literally to the point where I don't want to care anymore bc she is damaging the relationships I'm trying to have with my two younger children and she damaging any hope that once she leaves my house, I won't let her back in. And most of all, I'm allowing her to damage how I view my abilities to be a mother. 

I know, I sound like a terrible mother and I know my child is disturbed and needs help. But how can you help someone who won't ask and will refuse to do as you say just bc it's not what she wants? Or if it's because I say she needs help, she won't accept it or be amenable to seeking it herself?  I'm trying to focus on my other two while trying to give her what she wants and it's not working. So I'm trying to step back from her and from caring too much bc I'm at my wits end. Her father isn't helpful because he's singing the same woe is me song since our divorce. (Isn't that a good sign as to why I don't want to be married to him anymore?) 

I feel that if I care a little less, my way of damage control, I feel the house will be more settled and will become less about her and more about everyone else. 

The other person I'm talking about is my boyfriend. I love him like I've never known love in a grown up relationship however I came to realize I think of him and his feelings more than he does with me and mine. Now it may seem petty and maybe I'm looking for reasons to be nit picky but the state of my future and that of my children are important to me. 

He cares about the kids but would gladly be with them and not with me. I think because I'm more energetic and like to be active is a problem for him. I sometimes have ADHD tendencies that flare up and I am a mile-a-minute kind of person. He also doesn't retain things I say to him unless it's in an alert or in email form where he can see it. When he gets into it with his daughter he will just forget we exist as a couple and will make decisions on his own without talking to me about it. Like he feels moving away will solve his problems and that he will "wait for me" until I can move to be with him. His daughter is older and will be off to college in a few years where as I have two younger ones and couldn't move away from them or with them bc of their father. 

To me if you are having a relationship with someone you intend to spend the rest of your life with, shouldn't you be sharing the day to day and the important things with each other? He had a job interview but didn't tell me until it was about to happen. He accepted the job and told me way after the fact. I told him about a job I wanted to apply for, when my interview was and when they called me to offer it to me. It was affecting our relationship and the time we would be able to spend together but yet if it interfered with "our" time he wasn't going to be happy. 

I don't know, maybe I'm seeing and looking for things to be annoyed with but to me caring about the other person more isn't making life easier. 

That saying, 'Sharing is caring' only works if everyone wants to share. Well sometimes, Not sharing is caring. And I feel like I'm right about there...