Grieving a death...

Grief...  

It comes in waves. It crashes down on you with all the weight of the world. It ebbs as if it were never there only to come back with a driving force that knocks you over without warning. 

You have good days and you have bad days. The good days are when you're fine and your thoughts are your own and they are not consumed with grief, sorrow and regret. The bad days, they are bad. Grief consumes your every emotion, sorrow is in your every feeling and regret is in your every thought. 

Every memory is a slideshow of vignettes that make you long for just one more day to get one more memory. Walking you back through time in a myriad of emotions and memories that have the ability to cripple you. 

Time changes nothing while death can change everything. It changes how you speak.  Everything becomes 'was' instead of 'is'. Or 'remember when?' or 'remember that time?'... You don't speak the words often and you wish the words away. Because with those words you must acknowledge that someone is no longer there and it 

You stare out into space and your mind blanks and a feeling descends upon you that you cannot escape. You shut down and you shut all those around you out. And in that moment you do not exist. Grief it has become you. You are drowning in it and at times you feel yourself wanting to stay in it. It's a warm blanket that you wrap yourself in and it's comforting. You have to be careful to not get too comfortable or it will consume you. 

It is the anniversary of my Fathers death and it will always hit me hard. With the grief comes the regret. With the regret comes ven more sorrow. It's a visious cycle that ends eventually only to come back again every year.

Help! I feel helpless...

Help me! I feel so helpless. I sit here listening to my sister being put down and being called names and she is actually believing these things this person is telling her. I won't call him a man because if he were a man, he wouldn't need to put his drama and his insecurities on someone else. Be it my sister or any one else. 

How do I help someone who won't leave this particular situation? She will, but she goes back. Over and over. I worry about her all the time and I can't be the one to tell her what she should do. 

Love or dependency? I don't know, the lines are blurred. I have a desire to fight her battles and protect her from the drama but I know this is something she must work through. She must see what the answers are for herself. I can't guide her with a gentle push but the ultimate answers are within her. Only she can put an end to the negative thoughts and the dark voices inside. But it doesn't stop me from want to try to help. 

We find the strength to overcome things when we feel we've had enough. She has survived a physically abusive relationship in the past but this one is just as toxic and just as emotionally draining. I always say that physical pain is better than emotional pain bc the bruises will fade and eventually go away but the mental pain and suffering go on and on. 

How do we find ourselves in these types of situations? The quote, 'We accept the love we think we deserve.' Is very telling. It is up to us to acknowledge what we perceive as 'deserved'. We can only accept it if it this way or that way. Easier to believe the negative than it is to believe something good for ourselves. 

Someday there will be resolve. But until then. I will worry and try to help as much I'm allowed....