A Letter to My Middle Child

Dear MiniMe,

Life is rough. Life is unfair. Life is good. It may not seem like it all the time, but I love you with all that I am and ever will be. We may get on each other's nerves from time to time and you may feel suffocated by my mothering a lot of the time. But, I promiss you, I do all I do because I love you and want you to know you are always loved no matter what you say or do. You make me laugh. You frustrate me. You give me a reason to be a good mom. 

It sucks being the middle child. I would know since I am a middle child. And I know it sucks. The pressures to be better than your oldest sibling and to be more special than your younger sibling is a lot to live up to. You want to emulate your older sibling while attempting to be a good role model for your younger sibling.  It's a rough ride when you have an older sibling who can literally suck the life out of every situation and can make even the most simple and fun thing be such a chore. And then the competition for attention is worse when your younger sibling is not only the baby of the family but is the only boy too. Talk about rotten luck. But we must deal with the hand we are dealt. 

I will say though that you have a sweeter disposition than I ever did at your current age (12 going on 16 😔) and that helps because you are very likable to others and lovable to me. The only problem is, is that you still crave attention so badly but you must go about it a different way. Whether it be to be noticed by doing something good or bad, you just want to be noticed and there is no harm or shame in going after what you want. It's just in the way you go about it that matters. Negative attention is still attention but it won't be as satisfying as the positive attention given when you do something good because then you feel good about what you did and for the attention it got you. Praise feels so much better to give than being disappointed. No matter what kind of attention you seek and how you go about getting it, I want you to know I love you no matter what. 

And remember, your attitude towards yourself is more important and it reflects how you handle situations. You are precious to me. Your personality is so unlike how I was at your age and yet we are probably more alike now then we will ever be from these days forward. We have things we like to do. I love to read and listen to music. If I could get a job doing just that, I would. I like to eat and I like being outdoors. You like all of the above but I think you like being outdoors as long as you don't have to walk or climb or be too active. In time, I hope that changes. I think I could sit with you and just listen to music and read and we wouldn't have to talk. 

Although I'd like to talk to you. I'd like to know what you're thinking. I'd like to know how you're feeling. Only if you let me in. The unanswered question is the question never asked. It's not easy talking to you because I know you'd mostly want my approval more than you'd care about anything else. Just know that what ever you say is going to be heard. If you want me to say something, you need only ask. I may not know everything or have an answer for everything, but I will share what ever you wish to know. Whatever you say will stay between us unless you wish to share it and even then it's for you to share. 

I hope someday you will see the special and wonderful young woman you are and will become. I don't say it because I'm your mother but because it's true. If only you believe it to be true. And someday I hope you will. I Love You Sweet Girl. Always and forever. 

Laughter with a side of Sadness

Laughter, they say, is the best medicine. But, sometimes, laughter masks the deepest of sadness. 

Since the suicide death of actor, comedian Robin Williams, I've been thinking a lot about what would cause someone to take their life. When on the outside it appears he had everything. Love, adoration, fame and wealth... 

Money, can't buy you love, happiness and in this case, peace of mind. Love, isn't enough if you don't believe it, feel you deserve it or accept it. Fame, is a side effect to putting yourself out there for others to watch your 'genius' at work. He was indeed a genius in his craft. Adoration, earned by acts of selflessness and a genuine care and love for all life. 

But what leads someone, who allegedly 'had it all', to feel such despair that their only thought to feeling better is, to kill themself?  The demons he fought and lost to, must have been so strong that he couldn't find a way out of his dark place. His family will always wonder and feel like they could've done something but in reality, no one could have gotten him through it but him. 

I've felt a depression and a hopelessness before. I've even contemplated taking my life, thinking the world would be a better place without me. I'd thought my kids would be better off without me in their lives and that I was a waste of space. I can't say what brought me out of it or what I did to remind me that life is worth living, I just knew that I had to love someone or something better than I loved the dark place I lived in for a time. And I do. My three beautiful children. I didn't want them I grow up without a mother or to ever think I didn't love them enough to live. It also wasn't about them, but about me finding myself in a World full of people but feeling so alone. 

When surrounded by people who love you or claim to, can be suffocating at times. Especially if you feel you haven't done anything to deserve it. The questions come, Why? Why can't I feel right in my own skin? When will the feeling end and I can just be? Where do I belong in a place that doesn't seem like my own? Questions that can only be answered by the person asking. 

I felt a true sadness for Robin and his family because I had a vague idea of what he may have felt. He brought so much life and laughter and you can only hope that someone could've brought him the same, if only to show him how wonderful he was and what he meant to so many. Maybe the strain of being 'on' all the time was too much. Maybe life was just too unbearable and he didn't know how to make it bearable. Maybe he was meant to be here for a short time, to inflict his genius and his humanitarianism and leave a legacy that will be forever captured in film. Maybe the laughter was an escape but wasn't enough to mask the pain he felt. I hope he is now at peace and his family will find closure sometime soon. 

I implore anyone who reads this to seek help if they feel like life is not for the living but for the dead. I wish you all good health. 

Starting over again and again....

Starting over... Again... It is a constant battle. The battle within to stay focused and motivated. I'm trying to lose weight yet again and it's just not me to be this unfocused. I enjoy food and I enjoy exercising. 

My brand of punishment is running. I used to hate it and now it's a love/hate relationship. I love how I feel after and I hate how I feel before and during. The sweat the drips off my face and the feeling of accomplishment I feel afterward is great. It's like a drug! But I can only get it if I actually put the running shoes on... 

So now I've decided any new purchase I make for myself will be for running and it'll motivate me bc I like fun bright running clothes. And the only time I'll be purchasing something new is if I run consistently for a week. I need to reach 15 miles in a week before I can buy something new. So far I've run up to 10 miles in a week so I'm getting there!! 

Maybe this will be the thing that keeps me motivated and focused....

Home Alone...

Ok, so now I'm into the third week of 'The Swap'. I think that's how I will refer the custody arrangements. I don't like it and not really excited about doing it but I have no choice. 

The thing of it is is that they need to have contact with their father also. And I wouldn't begrudge him his time with them no matter how much it pains me to let them go. Because I know what it's like to grow up without a dad, I wouldn't want them to have to know what it's like. But he doesn't make it easy either. When I get them back they are cranky, tired and whiney... Argh! It's so frustrating and at the same time a relief just to have them home with me. So I take the 4 days I have with them undoing everything they did with him so they are consistent and in a secure and stable environment and know that there are boundaries, bedtimes and rules. 

I get it, it's now their new normal but we are all adjusting the best way we can and the best we know how, since this is new for us all.  I never intended life to be challenging for them it is what it is. Do I regret it? Nope! Do I wish I can help them understand it better? Yes. 

I find that I'm unable to leave the house for any reason except to grocery shop the day before I get them back. I don't have anywhere I want to go and I don't have money to do it so it's moot. Nothing to do but be on all the new social networks I've discovered and try to make sense of my new life. I read more and I clean the house but I am really not up to being around people anyway. 

I'm neglecting my friends, I feel strange kind of like I have the scarlet letter tattooed across my chest and I am trying to figure out my next move. Finding a job I can potentially work while the kids are in school and be able to afford after school care if I need to. Being home alone for the first time since I got married and had kids. It's a strange new world for me to navigate but I'm not going backward, just forward. 

Life is going to happen the way it happens and it's up to you to decide how you're going to handle it....