Little Boys...

Ok , so how do i start this? my son who is 4 is just my heart. i find so much joy in him because he's so lovable and just so sweet and stubborn as all get out. He was thought to be a girl when I was preggers with him. i had two girls and i'm one of three girls so it was just a given that i'd have three girls also. wrongo!! but i'm glad because i couldn't imagine what life would be like if he weren't a boy. 

Wow is he a stubborn little thing!! I wonder where she gets it from? I know from me and his father.  Once he makes up his mind there is no fighting with him.  It's like talking to a brick wall at times and that's not like me at all. There is rarely give and go with him and I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it. 

Let's take for instance his eating habits. Oh sweet Lord!! He used to eat everything!! Meats and vegetables. But some where after he turned 2 and a half he started to shun pretty much anything that wasn't a carb or a dinosaur shaped chicken nugget. Oy! Seriously!! Why?? I would eat steak, pork, and real chicken. With sauces or gravies or with nothing on it. Everyone ate the same thing and it was rare that I cooked something no one wanted to eat.  Now he eats toast w/o butter, tater tots and dino shaped chicken nuggets. I can't even fake him out with those. He likes cereal and sometimes he'll eat eggs. Rice has to have nori (seaweed) or he won't eat it. He eats baby food peas, but won't eat the real thing... I fear he's gonna be a diabetic by the time he's a teenager bc he eats carbs but if he won't eat anything, else at least he"ll eat that.  He will eat a few fruits. 

Aside from food let talk about he incessant need to play guns and all things violent. I'm trying to raise a well-rounded boy and I always kept the gun play out of the house but bc his father is a police officer it's his way of connecting with his son I guess. But there are other ways to do that that don't include violent play but oh well. He is into other things as well but a lot of it has to do with violence or some kind of fighting. I want to get him into sports but so far he's far from interested and I think he may be burnt out because he's been dragged all over God's green acres to watch his sisters play soccer or softball. I'm hoping once he's in Kindergarten he find an interest in it.  

I will say though that he is quite lovey.  He is my little lovebug and cuddles like my girls never did.  He gets to sleep with me in my big ole bed and he takes up the most room. I love hearing him breathe and feeling his little warm body snuggled up next to mine. I do not however enjoy the feet or head in my back, stomach or neck.  But I miss him when he's gone and cherish the little moments we do have. He has the sweetest face and when he's not a whiny butthead, hes the sweetest little boy ever. I just couldn't imagine what life would be like if he weren't a boy.

"My precious little baby
I have loved you from the start
You are a tiny miracle
Laying closely to my heart."

Who said I was perfect?

I never claim to be perfect nor do I ever wish to be perfect. Take the first two definitions of the word:

-Having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be
-Free from any flaw or defect in condition or quality; faultless

Is it attainable? Maybe. But do I want to be? Never. I am flawed. I embrace it and just the thought that there isn't one thing about me that is perfect, tickles me.

We all say we want the perfect person, perfect life, perfect everything. But when it looks perfect to someone else, chances are it isn't. There are flaws in everything around us and in us. I'm not being cynical, I'm just sayin'.

I mean wouldn't perfect be boring? Once you have achieved perfection, what else is there? How can you top that? You couldn't, so you might as well turn up your toes because there's nothing more for you to achieve.

I'm never going to have the perfect skin or perfect body. My kids aren't perfect because we dont live in Utopia. The love of my life isn't perfect, but we are perfectly matched with our imperfections. Its the one time it seems perfect is achievable, when you can match your imperfections perfectly to someone else.

I'm human, not a robot. I have feelings and emotions. I just may not express them to the degree some may like but again, I'm not perfect.



True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

Another Fathers Day

Last year I wrote a little about Fathers Day. This year for me is still hard to deal with for two reasons.

The first reason being, I still miss my dad. After 5 years his death still stings unlike anything I've ever felt. He wasn't a great dad, in fact he really sucked at it. I'm one of ten children that he had with several different women. My mom being the last of the women, we hope. 

While he was in the moment, or what ever you want to call it, he was there. He committed to my mom the longest and he had three children with a good age gap to say he was still in the marriage. Now maybe there is another kid between my younger sister and I (we're seven years apart, so you never know) but let's just concentrate on what we do know. 

The memories I have of my dad are mainly the embarrassing ones. Dad in his tighty whiteies getting the newspaper, him taking his false teeth out in public, finding a stack of Playboys next to his favorite candy and mine, Whoppers. Trying to be funny and calling Denny's, Lennys. Things like this will be cherish and most remembered along with the heartaches. He was the first man to break my heart. But in the end I found the strength to forgive him and just love him for the man he is. 

My second reason is because, through all my messy separation and pending divorce, I've found someone who I am truly myself with and he's not here. In fact he and his daughter, soon to be mine, are currently living in Hawai'i. 

I have discovered an old friend who became a new friend and now a new love. We have shared everything and have yet more to discover about each other. Our kids have become part of the foundation that is what makes us work. Hard to explain but it's unlike anything I've ever known. 

To have found the love of my life so late in my life and with someone I never thought or expected to find it with is a blessing. What attracted me first was the fact that he was a wonderful father to his daughter and step daughter. The girls share the same mother but she's not and has not been a part of their lives in more years than I can count. He's taking care of his business and without help and that's commendable and attractive to me. And they will get to have a mom in me if they want it. 

So today I celebrate my dad and my love with a heavy heart. To my dad, who was just a man, and only human. Who despite his many faults, I loved him any way. To my love, soon an ocean wont be between us and we can begin our journey together. 

~•~Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality. ~Emily Dickinson

Who I'm born to be...

My true reason for being born was so I could be a Mother. For there is no other thing on this Earth that could make you so crazy, happy, sad, mad, frustrated, worried, scared or love to the capacity you do when you are a Mother. And to wake up day after day ready to feel it again and again is the true blessing.

Sometimes I feel so alone...

Have you ever had a moment when you're in the Middle of a crowded room but you still feel alone? Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to death but my mind wonders to the One I Love and sometimes I feel as if I'm the only one. I feel alone and at a loss.


I guess for some it's different but when you become so connected and emotionally involved it becomes almost as if you're alone when they stop talking to you or barely give you a thought in their day. You feel the loss of your best friend in ways they don't seem to understand. Like it's unfathomable that you wouldn't talk to other people like you do with them. I sometimes wonder if he will understand that when you're friends and lovers they can be separate and also exclusively meshed together.


So many times I share something about my day and I barely get a response, when a year ago or before that, we'd be constantly on the phone texting or talking, since it's the only way we can stay connected. Now I'm lucky to get a hi back or even a response. The honeymoon seems to be over before we've had a chance to start...

Being surrounded by my kids helps me sometimes, but I still feel that aloneness, when I think of him which is often. Blah... I'm in a funk and need to find a distraction. I guess I'll be on IG all night. 0__O

What is your reason to be the Best you can be? I have 3... How many do you have?

These are not my favorite days. The last day the kids aren't with me. It sucks big donkey balls and that's no lie.