I Just Wanted To Be Worth It

I have come to realize lately with all the things going on in my personal life that I had yet to pinpoint my issues with my father. Among his list of sins, being a dead beat dad, denying I could be his, abandoning my mother to raise 2 kids by herself until he reappeared when I was about 5, always flaking when I wanted to see him and basically being let down by the one person you should be able to count on.

My relationship with my mother wasn't the best bc I felt compelled to defend his actions to my mother, who just wanted me to see the man he really was. I didn't want to me told he was not going to be there for me or to be told I'm wasting my time. Wasn't that something for me to find out on my own?

I had a strange relationship with my dad before my parents divorce. We bickered like little kids, always had to have the last word in a "discussion", and wanted attention any way I could get it.

When my patents divorced and my mother moved my sisters and I to live with my grandmother in the Monterey Bay Area. I didn't know that the move meant we wouldn't see our dad any more or that he wouldn't make an effort to try to see his children. All I knew was my life was changing in a way that didn't make sense to me and I didn't like it.

My dad called a lot at the beginning and he even saw us once when we just moved. Then the calls became less frequent and the times we could talk to him became more trying and his visits ended altogether. We would get the Christmas card and the birthday card every year. And then one year I got 2 birthday cards, that was when things started to unravel for me and when I started to really rebel bc I need to be noticed and wanted and loved. It was dumb but what can I do about it now? I did bad things but now I know better.

The year I graduated from middle school I invited my dad to come and he didn't show up and didn't explain why. The shine and glow of my dad became a bit tarnished but I still needed to believe he cared. Then my junior year my mom and I had a huge fight about him and it resulted in me leaving my house for almost a week and putting a bigger strain on our already tenuous relationship.

Senior year came and went and he didn't show up to my graduation again. Then I was going to SoCal on a vacation with my boyfriend and made plans to see my dad. I was going to be at Disneyland and Universal Studios so I would be driving distance to him. I contacted him when I got there and made plans for him to come see me.

Well guess what? He never showed. I should have known and I should have been prepared for it and well I was heartbroken and devastated. I had a hard time with it for the longest time and decided to cut him out of my life. I didn't want to deal with someone who couldn't make time in his life for me.

Six years ago I found out my dad was in a Hospice bc he'd had a stroke. I immediately wanted to see him and at the time I was pregnant with my son. I could care less about what had kept us apart, I had planned to see him and try to bridge the gap. I was ready to let go and I had come to the realization he's human, he made mistakes and he wasn't going to change. It's just who he was and how he knew how to deal.

When I saw him he didn't even recognize me and all I could think about was, I'm too late... I was too late to have any kind of relationship with him and that I he would never know my children. I was ready to let go of all my hurts and it was too late. I sat with him while he rested and I made my peace with what never could be, what we never had and what I'd always wanted bus was resigned to the fact that I can only go forward from then. The visit was short and it ended with a renewed sense of self.

He passed away five years ago February, I saw him once more after my son was born. He was bedridden and on a ventalator. I said my goodbyes and mourned the man he could've been, never was and didn't want to be. It still hits me at times how much I miss him him even though we barely had a relationship. I cry on his anniversary and the irony of this all is, my middle daughter shares the same birthday as my dad and I'm his middle child.

I realized what my hurt was about recently that made everything make sense. All I ever wanted from him was for him to fight for me. To want me enough to fight for me instead of giving up and walking away. That's what I've learned and still want to be worth the fight, no matter how hard I may make things, I just want to be worth it....

Emo ranting...

Today was a very strange day. I went through a variety of emotions today and I'm ending my night in tears and sadness.

Had the best time with my oldest friend at the Obon today. But the morning was a mess and I just wanted the day to end so I could start new but then my world came crashing down around me.

You see, I'm in love with someone who became my friend first, who I trusted and wanted their every happiness. I had no idea what it would mean when I first met and saw him after over 20 yrs. But you just know.

Never intended to fall in love. Never could've imagined what it would feel like to be able to be myself with someone and not worry about how they would react. I could say what I wanted without having to sensor myself.

After therapy, I realized I'm responsible for my own feelings, how i feel about me and my own reactions. I'm not responsible for someone elses feelings or how they feel about themselves or how they react to what I say or do.

Well, today was the end of what has barely begun. After 2 years, it appears what was so endearing about me and what was at some point enough, just became too much. I'm not an easy person to love and I've proved it over and over again. This time was too much for him.

My problem is I love too much and I want too much. I'm an independent and strong woman who knows what she wants and what she needs. I want and need him. I am in love with him and for me it will never be over. But I know I'll need to accept it at some point. Just not right now...

Wanting...

Sometimes we want what we can't have. Or want something so badly that it seems attainable but at the same time unattainable.

I want happiness. I want my kids to be healthy and well rounded in every aspect of their lives. I want to look in the mirror most days and be happy with what I see. I want to have a close relationship with my daughters. I want my son to stay sweet and be an active boy. I want peace to happen within my famliy and my daughters will learn to love each other without wanting to kill each other. I want the love of my life to be happy. I want my life to be settled.

Wanting what we can't have? Wanting what we can do for ourselves? Wanting more for ourselves then we had ever wanted before? Wanting a better future?

We all want things. It's what we do to get those things that matter. It takes hard work and it's not an easy path. But if it's worth it, then it's worth the work it'll take to get it.

The Notebook

My favorite book is The Notebook and therefore one of my favorite movies is The Notebook. If you have ever read it or seen the movie you'll understand why.

It's a love story that transcends all ages, cultures, backgrounds and time. It's the love story that makes you want to fall in love or to be in love like this. The main characters Noah and Allie come from two different backgrounds. She comes from a well to do family and he comes from a working class family. They meet by chance and he pursues her til she agrees to go out with him.

What happens is they fall in love and fight like cats and dogs, but love each other and eventually they are torn apart by her meddling mother and the differences in their stations in life. He writes her a letter a day for a year and her mother never allows her to see them.

Then one day years later after they've each lived some of their lives. She sees him in an article about restoring a home he told her he always wanted. She goes to see him and it's like they never were apart even though they fought it at first. She was engaged to be married so it complicated things. But through it all they found each other again and they weren't going to let it go...

I won't give away the whole story if you haven't read the book or seen the movie. I will say that if you should be so lucky to have a Noah or Allie in your lifetime, never let them go. A love like that happens when you least expect it.

Oh How The Time Flies...

'Mommy, will my shadow grow as big as yours someday?' Don't grow up too soon Son. Time, it's a cruel friend, it goes by fast when you want it to go slow and goes slow when you want it to go fast... I've learned to cherish every moment no matter how small it may seem. Because you'll never get them back once they are gone.