The End but....

This is something I wrote today. My boyfriend of 3 years called it quits... I'm devastated and hurt and beyond sad... 

The sad thing is my head and my heart aren't listening to each other. My heart will want what my head knows it can't have. Why? Because sadly being in love with someone even if you aren't together anymore doesn't change just because you want it to. 

The good thing is, because of you, I know my worth and I know I'm enough its just too bad you didn't think you were for me. The me that I've become now wants it ALL... I want to love and be loved in return. I want to have mind blowing sex all the time because I know I have it in me to be that free. I want to laugh at the silly things and even while making love bc that's how connected I can be. I want to cry and listen to every pain and hurt. I want to give my whole self and know its received and wanted and I'm getting the same thing in return. 

We had ALL of that. I would love to have it with you still but you want to be alone for now. I know someday you'll find what you need for you. Unfortunately for me you are one of a kind and having it ALL isn't in the cards for me. 

So, I'll be me for me and no one else. I'll be mom and I'll be a friend but I'll have to give up on wanting to have more kids and the life I wanted with the love of my life. 

Maybe, in another 20 years I'll see you and will only wish you well and know that you'll always hold a special place in my heart. And that a huge part of me will always love you no matter how far away you are... Be happy My Love...

...For now, I'll just go on as I need to for my children and live each day trying to fill the void and pain I feel inside. Now to break it to the kids... :(

Dads... Again...

6yrs isn't long enough for the painful sting of loss to fade, stem the irrational feeling of regret, extinguish the burn of lost opportunities or to stem the flow of emotion that still occurs when I think of my father.

I Just Wanted To Be Worth It

I have come to realize lately with all the things going on in my personal life that I had yet to pinpoint my issues with my father. Among his list of sins, being a dead beat dad, denying I could be his, abandoning my mother to raise 2 kids by herself until he reappeared when I was about 5, always flaking when I wanted to see him and basically being let down by the one person you should be able to count on.

My relationship with my mother wasn't the best bc I felt compelled to defend his actions to my mother, who just wanted me to see the man he really was. I didn't want to me told he was not going to be there for me or to be told I'm wasting my time. Wasn't that something for me to find out on my own?

I had a strange relationship with my dad before my parents divorce. We bickered like little kids, always had to have the last word in a "discussion", and wanted attention any way I could get it.

When my patents divorced and my mother moved my sisters and I to live with my grandmother in the Monterey Bay Area. I didn't know that the move meant we wouldn't see our dad any more or that he wouldn't make an effort to try to see his children. All I knew was my life was changing in a way that didn't make sense to me and I didn't like it.

My dad called a lot at the beginning and he even saw us once when we just moved. Then the calls became less frequent and the times we could talk to him became more trying and his visits ended altogether. We would get the Christmas card and the birthday card every year. And then one year I got 2 birthday cards, that was when things started to unravel for me and when I started to really rebel bc I need to be noticed and wanted and loved. It was dumb but what can I do about it now? I did bad things but now I know better.

The year I graduated from middle school I invited my dad to come and he didn't show up and didn't explain why. The shine and glow of my dad became a bit tarnished but I still needed to believe he cared. Then my junior year my mom and I had a huge fight about him and it resulted in me leaving my house for almost a week and putting a bigger strain on our already tenuous relationship.

Senior year came and went and he didn't show up to my graduation again. Then I was going to SoCal on a vacation with my boyfriend and made plans to see my dad. I was going to be at Disneyland and Universal Studios so I would be driving distance to him. I contacted him when I got there and made plans for him to come see me.

Well guess what? He never showed. I should have known and I should have been prepared for it and well I was heartbroken and devastated. I had a hard time with it for the longest time and decided to cut him out of my life. I didn't want to deal with someone who couldn't make time in his life for me.

Six years ago I found out my dad was in a Hospice bc he'd had a stroke. I immediately wanted to see him and at the time I was pregnant with my son. I could care less about what had kept us apart, I had planned to see him and try to bridge the gap. I was ready to let go and I had come to the realization he's human, he made mistakes and he wasn't going to change. It's just who he was and how he knew how to deal.

When I saw him he didn't even recognize me and all I could think about was, I'm too late... I was too late to have any kind of relationship with him and that I he would never know my children. I was ready to let go of all my hurts and it was too late. I sat with him while he rested and I made my peace with what never could be, what we never had and what I'd always wanted bus was resigned to the fact that I can only go forward from then. The visit was short and it ended with a renewed sense of self.

He passed away five years ago February, I saw him once more after my son was born. He was bedridden and on a ventalator. I said my goodbyes and mourned the man he could've been, never was and didn't want to be. It still hits me at times how much I miss him him even though we barely had a relationship. I cry on his anniversary and the irony of this all is, my middle daughter shares the same birthday as my dad and I'm his middle child.

I realized what my hurt was about recently that made everything make sense. All I ever wanted from him was for him to fight for me. To want me enough to fight for me instead of giving up and walking away. That's what I've learned and still want to be worth the fight, no matter how hard I may make things, I just want to be worth it....

Emo ranting...

Today was a very strange day. I went through a variety of emotions today and I'm ending my night in tears and sadness.

Had the best time with my oldest friend at the Obon today. But the morning was a mess and I just wanted the day to end so I could start new but then my world came crashing down around me.

You see, I'm in love with someone who became my friend first, who I trusted and wanted their every happiness. I had no idea what it would mean when I first met and saw him after over 20 yrs. But you just know.

Never intended to fall in love. Never could've imagined what it would feel like to be able to be myself with someone and not worry about how they would react. I could say what I wanted without having to sensor myself.

After therapy, I realized I'm responsible for my own feelings, how i feel about me and my own reactions. I'm not responsible for someone elses feelings or how they feel about themselves or how they react to what I say or do.

Well, today was the end of what has barely begun. After 2 years, it appears what was so endearing about me and what was at some point enough, just became too much. I'm not an easy person to love and I've proved it over and over again. This time was too much for him.

My problem is I love too much and I want too much. I'm an independent and strong woman who knows what she wants and what she needs. I want and need him. I am in love with him and for me it will never be over. But I know I'll need to accept it at some point. Just not right now...

Another Fathers Day

Last year I wrote a little about Fathers Day. This year for me is still hard to deal with for two reasons.

The first reason being, I still miss my dad. After 5 years his death still stings unlike anything I've ever felt. He wasn't a great dad, in fact he really sucked at it. I'm one of ten children that he had with several different women. My mom being the last of the women, we hope. 

While he was in the moment, or what ever you want to call it, he was there. He committed to my mom the longest and he had three children with a good age gap to say he was still in the marriage. Now maybe there is another kid between my younger sister and I (we're seven years apart, so you never know) but let's just concentrate on what we do know. 

The memories I have of my dad are mainly the embarrassing ones. Dad in his tighty whiteies getting the newspaper, him taking his false teeth out in public, finding a stack of Playboys next to his favorite candy and mine, Whoppers. Trying to be funny and calling Denny's, Lennys. Things like this will be cherish and most remembered along with the heartaches. He was the first man to break my heart. But in the end I found the strength to forgive him and just love him for the man he is. 

My second reason is because, through all my messy separation and pending divorce, I've found someone who I am truly myself with and he's not here. In fact he and his daughter, soon to be mine, are currently living in Hawai'i. 

I have discovered an old friend who became a new friend and now a new love. We have shared everything and have yet more to discover about each other. Our kids have become part of the foundation that is what makes us work. Hard to explain but it's unlike anything I've ever known. 

To have found the love of my life so late in my life and with someone I never thought or expected to find it with is a blessing. What attracted me first was the fact that he was a wonderful father to his daughter and step daughter. The girls share the same mother but she's not and has not been a part of their lives in more years than I can count. He's taking care of his business and without help and that's commendable and attractive to me. And they will get to have a mom in me if they want it. 

So today I celebrate my dad and my love with a heavy heart. To my dad, who was just a man, and only human. Who despite his many faults, I loved him any way. To my love, soon an ocean wont be between us and we can begin our journey together. 

~•~Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality. ~Emily Dickinson

My Life - Part 1 Starting at the beginning....

My journey didn't begin a year ago when I started this Blog. It started over 20 years ago and has brought me here. Although I am 37(going on 38), the journey I speak of, is the one that lead me to this moment in my life. But to be honest I need to start at my earliest memories that lead me to the Present. So I will start with my earliest memories of childhood that helped shape who I've become and to what contributing factors they had on choosing my path.

I was born in September of 1973 in SoCal. I had an older sister and I want to assume my parents were happily married. I have vague recollections of my childhood except I remember I played t-ball when I was young. I remember Kindergarten and my teachers name was Mrs. Davis. I don't know when my dad left, I do know why, and I don't know exactly when he came back but it was around the time I was 5/6 yrs old. He stayed the longest this time bc my baby sister and I are 7 years apart and my parents divorced about 4 years later.

My early years with my parents are hard to recall because I don't remember too many great times or any times really. I remember them fighting when I had the chicken pox, I remember my dad and I arguing over the most asinine things. We had on two separate occasions, Japanese exchange students stay a summer with us and that was fun. I got a wire hanger stuck in my eye. Not the eyeball. But one minute it was stuck in my blanket, the next it was hanging out of my eye. I remember going to physical therapy sessions for my oldest sister bc she has CP on her left side. I split the back of my head on the way to one bc the one time my mom actually had to slam on her breaks, I fell back into the dashboard bc I was facing the backseat. Obviously not listening, not wearing my seatbelt and not sitting in the backseat like I'm sure I was supposed to. Didn't realize the seriousness of it til we got to the therapy place and the back of my head was bleeding. (that may explain a few things)

I remember our neighbors from the apartment we lived in before my sister was born. I remember playing in the yard and taking our laundry to the back where the machines were. Sleeping next to the wall heater some nights when I'd wake in the night. We moved to a house and I found new friends and had some lovely neighbors who became more than that. I found a sense of belonging that I hadn't felt before.

I was in the middle of my 7th grade year when my mom moved my sisters and I to my grandmothers place in the Monterey area. New school in the middle of February, different climate, different type of people and the belief it was temporary. Wasn't told my parents were getting divorced or that our dad wouldn't be seeing us that much (his choice) or that life as we knew it was changed forever.

Our family wasn't a very huggy, touchy feely or share emotions type of family. It was rare when it would happen and so rare I cant recall in my early years how many times I was held or told I was loved by an adult family memeber. Sad but true. ( try explaining this to someone who knew and was told often they are loved, they just don't get it)

I've got to honestly say being the middle child really sucked. My oldest sister, who is 4 years older than me, has CP like I mentioned earlier, and is not a typical older sister. Wasn't supportive and looked to much for approval that she wasn't really a good sister to me. My baby Sis is well, the Baby, so that in itself says it all. She was spoiled (yes I spoiled her also) she was given more freedoms than I ever had and I think was loved the most by both parents. I had to find a way to depend on me, look out for me and to figure out my place in a family that I felt I never belonged to. Feeling like a stranger in my own family. And to find a way to feel like I was loved, wanted and needed and that I belonged to someone somewhere....

So that is my beginning. The start of what has yet to come....

Where does the time go?

So... I think I lost a month. Where did the time go? I could have sworn it was just February. But now it's April and I feel like the month of March happened and I wasnt warned.

Ok let see if I can remember what happened in March... Now this is only the second day of April so you'd think I'd be able to remember right? Riiiight.... This will probably be a series of back tracking posts or I may just cram it all in one. We'll see...

March is the birth month of my first daughter. She turned 14 and I could swear she was just a little baby yesterday. I mean seriously how did that happen? She's grown into a beautiful, funny, smart, and interesting young woman. Ugh! Young woman... She's my Baby Girl and always will be. But I must deal with the fact that she's growing right before my eyes. Almost taller than me, a fact she likes to rub in...

I wish I had had some of her personality when I was her age. It's an awkward stage in her life and she's going through puberty, divorce and the years of self-doubt. She seems so self assured at times and so happy but I also see the little girl confused as to her place in this crazy world and where she fits in exactly. I hurt for her and wish she would open up to me. I always tell her my door is always open and that she can come to me and talk about anything she wants but she keeps quiet. Someday soon I hope she will. She starts High School next year and it's going to be a scary time for her and hope she will see she can come to me.

So that's not the only thing that happened but all I'm gonna say for now. Feeling a bit blah now because I miss my little big girl...



A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart.  ~Author Unknown

Fathers' Day...

Ok, so Fathers' Day is on Sunday and this should be an interesting one this year... I'll start with the fact that I lost my own Father almost 4 years ago. Not that I couldn't find him but we hadn't been speaking to each other for years and then when i found out he was ill, i dropped everything (which btw isn't easy when you're a mom of 2 and preggers with #3.) and went to be with him. He lived in southern california and had been since he and my mother divorced over 25 years ago. In the time just after my parents divorced my father made a half assed effort to call whenever he could and we didn't see him at all. We moved to the monterey bay area and he stayed in so cal.

so let me back peddle for a minute. i met my father when i was about 5 or 6 years old. yes i said 'met'. he wasn't in the picture til then for reasons i found out about just a few years ago. and about a year or so later my baby sister was born. my father and i never had an easy relationship. i was a middle child with an older sister who had cerebral palsy on her left side only. so she was obviously needy. then when the baby came, i was all but forgotten bc the baby needed attention, obviously. i wasn't jealous bc my baby sis was like a live doll for me to play with and i was territorial when it came to her. i pretty much helped my mom raise her while my oldest sister who was clumsy, couldn't hold her unless she was sitting with the baby. anyway, my father and i were always sparing and having some kind of war with words. but he was my father and i loved him like you should love your parents. i always felt a connection with him even though it was a strange relationship we had. i mean he embarrassed the heck out me by wearing his tighty whities around the house and to get the newspaper. or he'd play with his false teeth. yes, he had false teeth. my father was 12 years older than my mother.

after my parents divorced it was a bit scary for me bc i didn't know why we were moved away and why we didn't see our father anymore. my mother claims she told us what was going on but i must have blocked it out she says. i really have no idea if she did or not. i have a feeling she didn't because we aren't that type of family that shares emotion and feelings with each other. but that was my father and why wouldn't he want to see us right? wrong-o! at first it didn't hit me that he never came to see us. time went by and eventually i started getting it but was still in denial. i invited him to my high school graduation and he flaked, he sent me birthday money twice in one year because he didn't remember when it was. these were good signs right? my mom and i had a huge fight about him when i was a sophomore in high school and it came to blows. it was ugly and i left the house for almost a week. then the last straw for me was when i had graduated from high school and my then boyfriend and i went to disneyland and universal studios for a week. i called my dad to come see me and to meet my boyfriend. yeah, totally flaked on me again. i was there a whole week and nothing. so i washed my hands of him.

when i got married, i didn't hesitate to ask my oldest uncle to walk me down the aisle. my dad wasn't even a thought and he sure as heck wasn't going to show up if i invited him. so i saved myself the let down. when i had my kids i swore my oldest sister to a vow of silence and she wasn't to tell our dad about them. she's another blog entry... i had been kicking around the idea that i should see him and try to get passed our past history and try to have some kind of relationship. i kept putting it off thinking i have time.

anyways, i got the call that our dad was sick from my youngest sister. she told me he'd had a stroke and he's been in a hospice/rehabilitation facility in so cal. my first reaction was i'm going to see him no matter what my issues with him are. and my second one was fear. would he know me or want me there? i was 8 months preggers and had to make sure the doctor ok'd me for travel before i could go. we told our older sister that we were going and long and twisted story later she wasn't coming along for the trip.

we went and saw him and he looked the same but different in so many other ways. he called me my older sisters name, which i took instant offense to. then my younger sister and i went shopping for him for some essentials like slippers, socks, a comb, lotion and some clothes. he had nothing with him and it was quite sad to see him like that. we left after a few days and we intended on going back to see him again just didn't know when. well, it came in february and what i saw was even more heartbreaking. he no longer could breath on his own and he was wasting away.

i had finally let go of all my childhood resentments and it was too late to try to make amends. so my last time seeing him, i told him i forgave him for all the hurt he caused me bc i knew he knew no other way to be. we are flawed and not as forgiving when it comes to our own parents when they make mistakes. but i knew this was who he was and i was able to accept it and let it go. it was bittersweet bc a few weeks later he passed away. i got to have my peace about it and i finally let go of one thing in my life that was weighing me down. of course now on to the next thing weighing me down. that's for another day.

my kids have a father who wants to be in their lives and i'm ok with that bc that is something i never had. but at the same time it's hard for me to let them go every few days to be with him. this time last year is when my growing discomfort in my marriage came to head and i decided I had to get out, just didn't know how. and since i'd always wanted a dad who would be there for me and my kids get that. so, fathers' day is a good and bad day for me. but i'll carry on like i always do.

well, g'night my darlings. sleep well and remember you're who you're meant to be if you love who you are right now.