Another Fathers Day

Last year I wrote a little about Fathers Day. This year for me is still hard to deal with for two reasons.

The first reason being, I still miss my dad. After 5 years his death still stings unlike anything I've ever felt. He wasn't a great dad, in fact he really sucked at it. I'm one of ten children that he had with several different women. My mom being the last of the women, we hope. 

While he was in the moment, or what ever you want to call it, he was there. He committed to my mom the longest and he had three children with a good age gap to say he was still in the marriage. Now maybe there is another kid between my younger sister and I (we're seven years apart, so you never know) but let's just concentrate on what we do know. 

The memories I have of my dad are mainly the embarrassing ones. Dad in his tighty whiteies getting the newspaper, him taking his false teeth out in public, finding a stack of Playboys next to his favorite candy and mine, Whoppers. Trying to be funny and calling Denny's, Lennys. Things like this will be cherish and most remembered along with the heartaches. He was the first man to break my heart. But in the end I found the strength to forgive him and just love him for the man he is. 

My second reason is because, through all my messy separation and pending divorce, I've found someone who I am truly myself with and he's not here. In fact he and his daughter, soon to be mine, are currently living in Hawai'i. 

I have discovered an old friend who became a new friend and now a new love. We have shared everything and have yet more to discover about each other. Our kids have become part of the foundation that is what makes us work. Hard to explain but it's unlike anything I've ever known. 

To have found the love of my life so late in my life and with someone I never thought or expected to find it with is a blessing. What attracted me first was the fact that he was a wonderful father to his daughter and step daughter. The girls share the same mother but she's not and has not been a part of their lives in more years than I can count. He's taking care of his business and without help and that's commendable and attractive to me. And they will get to have a mom in me if they want it. 

So today I celebrate my dad and my love with a heavy heart. To my dad, who was just a man, and only human. Who despite his many faults, I loved him any way. To my love, soon an ocean wont be between us and we can begin our journey together. 

~•~Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality. ~Emily Dickinson