A Letter to My Middle Child

Dear MiniMe,

Life is rough. Life is unfair. Life is good. It may not seem like it all the time, but I love you with all that I am and ever will be. We may get on each other's nerves from time to time and you may feel suffocated by my mothering a lot of the time. But, I promiss you, I do all I do because I love you and want you to know you are always loved no matter what you say or do. You make me laugh. You frustrate me. You give me a reason to be a good mom. 

It sucks being the middle child. I would know since I am a middle child. And I know it sucks. The pressures to be better than your oldest sibling and to be more special than your younger sibling is a lot to live up to. You want to emulate your older sibling while attempting to be a good role model for your younger sibling.  It's a rough ride when you have an older sibling who can literally suck the life out of every situation and can make even the most simple and fun thing be such a chore. And then the competition for attention is worse when your younger sibling is not only the baby of the family but is the only boy too. Talk about rotten luck. But we must deal with the hand we are dealt. 

I will say though that you have a sweeter disposition than I ever did at your current age (12 going on 16 😔) and that helps because you are very likable to others and lovable to me. The only problem is, is that you still crave attention so badly but you must go about it a different way. Whether it be to be noticed by doing something good or bad, you just want to be noticed and there is no harm or shame in going after what you want. It's just in the way you go about it that matters. Negative attention is still attention but it won't be as satisfying as the positive attention given when you do something good because then you feel good about what you did and for the attention it got you. Praise feels so much better to give than being disappointed. No matter what kind of attention you seek and how you go about getting it, I want you to know I love you no matter what. 

And remember, your attitude towards yourself is more important and it reflects how you handle situations. You are precious to me. Your personality is so unlike how I was at your age and yet we are probably more alike now then we will ever be from these days forward. We have things we like to do. I love to read and listen to music. If I could get a job doing just that, I would. I like to eat and I like being outdoors. You like all of the above but I think you like being outdoors as long as you don't have to walk or climb or be too active. In time, I hope that changes. I think I could sit with you and just listen to music and read and we wouldn't have to talk. 

Although I'd like to talk to you. I'd like to know what you're thinking. I'd like to know how you're feeling. Only if you let me in. The unanswered question is the question never asked. It's not easy talking to you because I know you'd mostly want my approval more than you'd care about anything else. Just know that what ever you say is going to be heard. If you want me to say something, you need only ask. I may not know everything or have an answer for everything, but I will share what ever you wish to know. Whatever you say will stay between us unless you wish to share it and even then it's for you to share. 

I hope someday you will see the special and wonderful young woman you are and will become. I don't say it because I'm your mother but because it's true. If only you believe it to be true. And someday I hope you will. I Love You Sweet Girl. Always and forever. 

The End but....

This is something I wrote today. My boyfriend of 3 years called it quits... I'm devastated and hurt and beyond sad... 

The sad thing is my head and my heart aren't listening to each other. My heart will want what my head knows it can't have. Why? Because sadly being in love with someone even if you aren't together anymore doesn't change just because you want it to. 

The good thing is, because of you, I know my worth and I know I'm enough its just too bad you didn't think you were for me. The me that I've become now wants it ALL... I want to love and be loved in return. I want to have mind blowing sex all the time because I know I have it in me to be that free. I want to laugh at the silly things and even while making love bc that's how connected I can be. I want to cry and listen to every pain and hurt. I want to give my whole self and know its received and wanted and I'm getting the same thing in return. 

We had ALL of that. I would love to have it with you still but you want to be alone for now. I know someday you'll find what you need for you. Unfortunately for me you are one of a kind and having it ALL isn't in the cards for me. 

So, I'll be me for me and no one else. I'll be mom and I'll be a friend but I'll have to give up on wanting to have more kids and the life I wanted with the love of my life. 

Maybe, in another 20 years I'll see you and will only wish you well and know that you'll always hold a special place in my heart. And that a huge part of me will always love you no matter how far away you are... Be happy My Love...

...For now, I'll just go on as I need to for my children and live each day trying to fill the void and pain I feel inside. Now to break it to the kids... :(

I Just Wanted To Be Worth It

I have come to realize lately with all the things going on in my personal life that I had yet to pinpoint my issues with my father. Among his list of sins, being a dead beat dad, denying I could be his, abandoning my mother to raise 2 kids by herself until he reappeared when I was about 5, always flaking when I wanted to see him and basically being let down by the one person you should be able to count on.

My relationship with my mother wasn't the best bc I felt compelled to defend his actions to my mother, who just wanted me to see the man he really was. I didn't want to me told he was not going to be there for me or to be told I'm wasting my time. Wasn't that something for me to find out on my own?

I had a strange relationship with my dad before my parents divorce. We bickered like little kids, always had to have the last word in a "discussion", and wanted attention any way I could get it.

When my patents divorced and my mother moved my sisters and I to live with my grandmother in the Monterey Bay Area. I didn't know that the move meant we wouldn't see our dad any more or that he wouldn't make an effort to try to see his children. All I knew was my life was changing in a way that didn't make sense to me and I didn't like it.

My dad called a lot at the beginning and he even saw us once when we just moved. Then the calls became less frequent and the times we could talk to him became more trying and his visits ended altogether. We would get the Christmas card and the birthday card every year. And then one year I got 2 birthday cards, that was when things started to unravel for me and when I started to really rebel bc I need to be noticed and wanted and loved. It was dumb but what can I do about it now? I did bad things but now I know better.

The year I graduated from middle school I invited my dad to come and he didn't show up and didn't explain why. The shine and glow of my dad became a bit tarnished but I still needed to believe he cared. Then my junior year my mom and I had a huge fight about him and it resulted in me leaving my house for almost a week and putting a bigger strain on our already tenuous relationship.

Senior year came and went and he didn't show up to my graduation again. Then I was going to SoCal on a vacation with my boyfriend and made plans to see my dad. I was going to be at Disneyland and Universal Studios so I would be driving distance to him. I contacted him when I got there and made plans for him to come see me.

Well guess what? He never showed. I should have known and I should have been prepared for it and well I was heartbroken and devastated. I had a hard time with it for the longest time and decided to cut him out of my life. I didn't want to deal with someone who couldn't make time in his life for me.

Six years ago I found out my dad was in a Hospice bc he'd had a stroke. I immediately wanted to see him and at the time I was pregnant with my son. I could care less about what had kept us apart, I had planned to see him and try to bridge the gap. I was ready to let go and I had come to the realization he's human, he made mistakes and he wasn't going to change. It's just who he was and how he knew how to deal.

When I saw him he didn't even recognize me and all I could think about was, I'm too late... I was too late to have any kind of relationship with him and that I he would never know my children. I was ready to let go of all my hurts and it was too late. I sat with him while he rested and I made my peace with what never could be, what we never had and what I'd always wanted bus was resigned to the fact that I can only go forward from then. The visit was short and it ended with a renewed sense of self.

He passed away five years ago February, I saw him once more after my son was born. He was bedridden and on a ventalator. I said my goodbyes and mourned the man he could've been, never was and didn't want to be. It still hits me at times how much I miss him him even though we barely had a relationship. I cry on his anniversary and the irony of this all is, my middle daughter shares the same birthday as my dad and I'm his middle child.

I realized what my hurt was about recently that made everything make sense. All I ever wanted from him was for him to fight for me. To want me enough to fight for me instead of giving up and walking away. That's what I've learned and still want to be worth the fight, no matter how hard I may make things, I just want to be worth it....

Emo ranting...

Today was a very strange day. I went through a variety of emotions today and I'm ending my night in tears and sadness.

Had the best time with my oldest friend at the Obon today. But the morning was a mess and I just wanted the day to end so I could start new but then my world came crashing down around me.

You see, I'm in love with someone who became my friend first, who I trusted and wanted their every happiness. I had no idea what it would mean when I first met and saw him after over 20 yrs. But you just know.

Never intended to fall in love. Never could've imagined what it would feel like to be able to be myself with someone and not worry about how they would react. I could say what I wanted without having to sensor myself.

After therapy, I realized I'm responsible for my own feelings, how i feel about me and my own reactions. I'm not responsible for someone elses feelings or how they feel about themselves or how they react to what I say or do.

Well, today was the end of what has barely begun. After 2 years, it appears what was so endearing about me and what was at some point enough, just became too much. I'm not an easy person to love and I've proved it over and over again. This time was too much for him.

My problem is I love too much and I want too much. I'm an independent and strong woman who knows what she wants and what she needs. I want and need him. I am in love with him and for me it will never be over. But I know I'll need to accept it at some point. Just not right now...

The Notebook

My favorite book is The Notebook and therefore one of my favorite movies is The Notebook. If you have ever read it or seen the movie you'll understand why.

It's a love story that transcends all ages, cultures, backgrounds and time. It's the love story that makes you want to fall in love or to be in love like this. The main characters Noah and Allie come from two different backgrounds. She comes from a well to do family and he comes from a working class family. They meet by chance and he pursues her til she agrees to go out with him.

What happens is they fall in love and fight like cats and dogs, but love each other and eventually they are torn apart by her meddling mother and the differences in their stations in life. He writes her a letter a day for a year and her mother never allows her to see them.

Then one day years later after they've each lived some of their lives. She sees him in an article about restoring a home he told her he always wanted. She goes to see him and it's like they never were apart even though they fought it at first. She was engaged to be married so it complicated things. But through it all they found each other again and they weren't going to let it go...

I won't give away the whole story if you haven't read the book or seen the movie. I will say that if you should be so lucky to have a Noah or Allie in your lifetime, never let them go. A love like that happens when you least expect it.

Little Boys...

Ok , so how do i start this? my son who is 4 is just my heart. i find so much joy in him because he's so lovable and just so sweet and stubborn as all get out. He was thought to be a girl when I was preggers with him. i had two girls and i'm one of three girls so it was just a given that i'd have three girls also. wrongo!! but i'm glad because i couldn't imagine what life would be like if he weren't a boy. 

Wow is he a stubborn little thing!! I wonder where she gets it from? I know from me and his father.  Once he makes up his mind there is no fighting with him.  It's like talking to a brick wall at times and that's not like me at all. There is rarely give and go with him and I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it. 

Let's take for instance his eating habits. Oh sweet Lord!! He used to eat everything!! Meats and vegetables. But some where after he turned 2 and a half he started to shun pretty much anything that wasn't a carb or a dinosaur shaped chicken nugget. Oy! Seriously!! Why?? I would eat steak, pork, and real chicken. With sauces or gravies or with nothing on it. Everyone ate the same thing and it was rare that I cooked something no one wanted to eat.  Now he eats toast w/o butter, tater tots and dino shaped chicken nuggets. I can't even fake him out with those. He likes cereal and sometimes he'll eat eggs. Rice has to have nori (seaweed) or he won't eat it. He eats baby food peas, but won't eat the real thing... I fear he's gonna be a diabetic by the time he's a teenager bc he eats carbs but if he won't eat anything, else at least he"ll eat that.  He will eat a few fruits. 

Aside from food let talk about he incessant need to play guns and all things violent. I'm trying to raise a well-rounded boy and I always kept the gun play out of the house but bc his father is a police officer it's his way of connecting with his son I guess. But there are other ways to do that that don't include violent play but oh well. He is into other things as well but a lot of it has to do with violence or some kind of fighting. I want to get him into sports but so far he's far from interested and I think he may be burnt out because he's been dragged all over God's green acres to watch his sisters play soccer or softball. I'm hoping once he's in Kindergarten he find an interest in it.  

I will say though that he is quite lovey.  He is my little lovebug and cuddles like my girls never did.  He gets to sleep with me in my big ole bed and he takes up the most room. I love hearing him breathe and feeling his little warm body snuggled up next to mine. I do not however enjoy the feet or head in my back, stomach or neck.  But I miss him when he's gone and cherish the little moments we do have. He has the sweetest face and when he's not a whiny butthead, hes the sweetest little boy ever. I just couldn't imagine what life would be like if he weren't a boy.

"My precious little baby
I have loved you from the start
You are a tiny miracle
Laying closely to my heart."

Another Fathers Day

Last year I wrote a little about Fathers Day. This year for me is still hard to deal with for two reasons.

The first reason being, I still miss my dad. After 5 years his death still stings unlike anything I've ever felt. He wasn't a great dad, in fact he really sucked at it. I'm one of ten children that he had with several different women. My mom being the last of the women, we hope. 

While he was in the moment, or what ever you want to call it, he was there. He committed to my mom the longest and he had three children with a good age gap to say he was still in the marriage. Now maybe there is another kid between my younger sister and I (we're seven years apart, so you never know) but let's just concentrate on what we do know. 

The memories I have of my dad are mainly the embarrassing ones. Dad in his tighty whiteies getting the newspaper, him taking his false teeth out in public, finding a stack of Playboys next to his favorite candy and mine, Whoppers. Trying to be funny and calling Denny's, Lennys. Things like this will be cherish and most remembered along with the heartaches. He was the first man to break my heart. But in the end I found the strength to forgive him and just love him for the man he is. 

My second reason is because, through all my messy separation and pending divorce, I've found someone who I am truly myself with and he's not here. In fact he and his daughter, soon to be mine, are currently living in Hawai'i. 

I have discovered an old friend who became a new friend and now a new love. We have shared everything and have yet more to discover about each other. Our kids have become part of the foundation that is what makes us work. Hard to explain but it's unlike anything I've ever known. 

To have found the love of my life so late in my life and with someone I never thought or expected to find it with is a blessing. What attracted me first was the fact that he was a wonderful father to his daughter and step daughter. The girls share the same mother but she's not and has not been a part of their lives in more years than I can count. He's taking care of his business and without help and that's commendable and attractive to me. And they will get to have a mom in me if they want it. 

So today I celebrate my dad and my love with a heavy heart. To my dad, who was just a man, and only human. Who despite his many faults, I loved him any way. To my love, soon an ocean wont be between us and we can begin our journey together. 

~•~Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality. ~Emily Dickinson

Funny things my kids say and do pt2

This is another part of the conversation I just had with my daughter.

I was trying to take a picture of her eating my food, well because I seem to be taking pictures of everything lately, and she was trying to avoid being in the picture. She asked why I was taking a picture and I said I'm just documenting why I rarely get to eat my food without sharing. And my daughter says, well it started with your milk... 

Kid Conversations

Haha! Ok so I was in my bedroom when I heard my 8 yr old girl and 4 yr old boy playing in their room. I can hear the sound of coins being dropped into a piggy bank and on the floor. So this is the conversation I overheard and I swear I couldn't stop laughing for about 5 minutes or so. I almost pee'd. No joke.

G: give me some cents
B: I don't have any cents
G: yes you do, here.
B: I don't want your cents
G: I already have cents
B: no, you don't have any cents I want.

This is funny to me because they just don't know how out of context I took that. Oh they bring me such joy.... Never a dull moment with them. Love my babies.

Conversations w/ My Son

I was in the kitchen cooking some okai. It's a Japanese rice mush thing that I love to eat when I'm not feeling well. Was sick with the flu and finally wanted something to eat.

Anywho... I was at the stove and my son comes into the kitchen and he says, Hi Mommy.

I say, Hey My Boy, what's up?

He looks at me for a bit and then says, Nothing, but watch me.

I say, OK. He then starts to run around in circles and all crazy and I ask, What are you doing?

He doesn't stop but keeps running in circles and says, I'm chasing my butt. Can't you see me?

I laughed and said, You aren't a dog, so you don't have a tail.

He says, I know I'm not a dog I'm not chasing my tail. I'm chasing my but like a guinea pig.

OK. I said, Sure why not... I just love his imagination....

That was all in the space of 10 minutes but some of the funniest and most rewarding moments and the shortest and silliest moments.

Hrmmmmm

So now what do you do when the person you love the most and want to be with for the rest of your life, lives far away and you only get to see them a few times a year? I'm not a relationship expert nor am I great with relationships... But I chose this topic because it struck a chord with me that seemed like it needed to be thought about and discussed... The 'distance/absence makes a heart grow fonder' garbage is true only if the two people involved feel the same for each other, can articulate their feelings that can make that statement true, foresee a future of some kind, can be true to their feeling for each other and live their lives a separate and together at the same time, or find in each other what the other needs or wants...