Grieving a death...

Grief...  

It comes in waves. It crashes down on you with all the weight of the world. It ebbs as if it were never there only to come back with a driving force that knocks you over without warning. 

You have good days and you have bad days. The good days are when you're fine and your thoughts are your own and they are not consumed with grief, sorrow and regret. The bad days, they are bad. Grief consumes your every emotion, sorrow is in your every feeling and regret is in your every thought. 

Every memory is a slideshow of vignettes that make you long for just one more day to get one more memory. Walking you back through time in a myriad of emotions and memories that have the ability to cripple you. 

Time changes nothing while death can change everything. It changes how you speak.  Everything becomes 'was' instead of 'is'. Or 'remember when?' or 'remember that time?'... You don't speak the words often and you wish the words away. Because with those words you must acknowledge that someone is no longer there and it 

You stare out into space and your mind blanks and a feeling descends upon you that you cannot escape. You shut down and you shut all those around you out. And in that moment you do not exist. Grief it has become you. You are drowning in it and at times you feel yourself wanting to stay in it. It's a warm blanket that you wrap yourself in and it's comforting. You have to be careful to not get too comfortable or it will consume you. 

It is the anniversary of my Fathers death and it will always hit me hard. With the grief comes the regret. With the regret comes ven more sorrow. It's a visious cycle that ends eventually only to come back again every year.

Fathers' Day...

Ok, so Fathers' Day is on Sunday and this should be an interesting one this year... I'll start with the fact that I lost my own Father almost 4 years ago. Not that I couldn't find him but we hadn't been speaking to each other for years and then when i found out he was ill, i dropped everything (which btw isn't easy when you're a mom of 2 and preggers with #3.) and went to be with him. He lived in southern california and had been since he and my mother divorced over 25 years ago. In the time just after my parents divorced my father made a half assed effort to call whenever he could and we didn't see him at all. We moved to the monterey bay area and he stayed in so cal.

so let me back peddle for a minute. i met my father when i was about 5 or 6 years old. yes i said 'met'. he wasn't in the picture til then for reasons i found out about just a few years ago. and about a year or so later my baby sister was born. my father and i never had an easy relationship. i was a middle child with an older sister who had cerebral palsy on her left side only. so she was obviously needy. then when the baby came, i was all but forgotten bc the baby needed attention, obviously. i wasn't jealous bc my baby sis was like a live doll for me to play with and i was territorial when it came to her. i pretty much helped my mom raise her while my oldest sister who was clumsy, couldn't hold her unless she was sitting with the baby. anyway, my father and i were always sparing and having some kind of war with words. but he was my father and i loved him like you should love your parents. i always felt a connection with him even though it was a strange relationship we had. i mean he embarrassed the heck out me by wearing his tighty whities around the house and to get the newspaper. or he'd play with his false teeth. yes, he had false teeth. my father was 12 years older than my mother.

after my parents divorced it was a bit scary for me bc i didn't know why we were moved away and why we didn't see our father anymore. my mother claims she told us what was going on but i must have blocked it out she says. i really have no idea if she did or not. i have a feeling she didn't because we aren't that type of family that shares emotion and feelings with each other. but that was my father and why wouldn't he want to see us right? wrong-o! at first it didn't hit me that he never came to see us. time went by and eventually i started getting it but was still in denial. i invited him to my high school graduation and he flaked, he sent me birthday money twice in one year because he didn't remember when it was. these were good signs right? my mom and i had a huge fight about him when i was a sophomore in high school and it came to blows. it was ugly and i left the house for almost a week. then the last straw for me was when i had graduated from high school and my then boyfriend and i went to disneyland and universal studios for a week. i called my dad to come see me and to meet my boyfriend. yeah, totally flaked on me again. i was there a whole week and nothing. so i washed my hands of him.

when i got married, i didn't hesitate to ask my oldest uncle to walk me down the aisle. my dad wasn't even a thought and he sure as heck wasn't going to show up if i invited him. so i saved myself the let down. when i had my kids i swore my oldest sister to a vow of silence and she wasn't to tell our dad about them. she's another blog entry... i had been kicking around the idea that i should see him and try to get passed our past history and try to have some kind of relationship. i kept putting it off thinking i have time.

anyways, i got the call that our dad was sick from my youngest sister. she told me he'd had a stroke and he's been in a hospice/rehabilitation facility in so cal. my first reaction was i'm going to see him no matter what my issues with him are. and my second one was fear. would he know me or want me there? i was 8 months preggers and had to make sure the doctor ok'd me for travel before i could go. we told our older sister that we were going and long and twisted story later she wasn't coming along for the trip.

we went and saw him and he looked the same but different in so many other ways. he called me my older sisters name, which i took instant offense to. then my younger sister and i went shopping for him for some essentials like slippers, socks, a comb, lotion and some clothes. he had nothing with him and it was quite sad to see him like that. we left after a few days and we intended on going back to see him again just didn't know when. well, it came in february and what i saw was even more heartbreaking. he no longer could breath on his own and he was wasting away.

i had finally let go of all my childhood resentments and it was too late to try to make amends. so my last time seeing him, i told him i forgave him for all the hurt he caused me bc i knew he knew no other way to be. we are flawed and not as forgiving when it comes to our own parents when they make mistakes. but i knew this was who he was and i was able to accept it and let it go. it was bittersweet bc a few weeks later he passed away. i got to have my peace about it and i finally let go of one thing in my life that was weighing me down. of course now on to the next thing weighing me down. that's for another day.

my kids have a father who wants to be in their lives and i'm ok with that bc that is something i never had. but at the same time it's hard for me to let them go every few days to be with him. this time last year is when my growing discomfort in my marriage came to head and i decided I had to get out, just didn't know how. and since i'd always wanted a dad who would be there for me and my kids get that. so, fathers' day is a good and bad day for me. but i'll carry on like i always do.

well, g'night my darlings. sleep well and remember you're who you're meant to be if you love who you are right now.