Grieving a death...

Grief...  

It comes in waves. It crashes down on you with all the weight of the world. It ebbs as if it were never there only to come back with a driving force that knocks you over without warning. 

You have good days and you have bad days. The good days are when you're fine and your thoughts are your own and they are not consumed with grief, sorrow and regret. The bad days, they are bad. Grief consumes your every emotion, sorrow is in your every feeling and regret is in your every thought. 

Every memory is a slideshow of vignettes that make you long for just one more day to get one more memory. Walking you back through time in a myriad of emotions and memories that have the ability to cripple you. 

Time changes nothing while death can change everything. It changes how you speak.  Everything becomes 'was' instead of 'is'. Or 'remember when?' or 'remember that time?'... You don't speak the words often and you wish the words away. Because with those words you must acknowledge that someone is no longer there and it 

You stare out into space and your mind blanks and a feeling descends upon you that you cannot escape. You shut down and you shut all those around you out. And in that moment you do not exist. Grief it has become you. You are drowning in it and at times you feel yourself wanting to stay in it. It's a warm blanket that you wrap yourself in and it's comforting. You have to be careful to not get too comfortable or it will consume you. 

It is the anniversary of my Fathers death and it will always hit me hard. With the grief comes the regret. With the regret comes ven more sorrow. It's a visious cycle that ends eventually only to come back again every year.

Laughter with a side of Sadness

Laughter, they say, is the best medicine. But, sometimes, laughter masks the deepest of sadness. 

Since the suicide death of actor, comedian Robin Williams, I've been thinking a lot about what would cause someone to take their life. When on the outside it appears he had everything. Love, adoration, fame and wealth... 

Money, can't buy you love, happiness and in this case, peace of mind. Love, isn't enough if you don't believe it, feel you deserve it or accept it. Fame, is a side effect to putting yourself out there for others to watch your 'genius' at work. He was indeed a genius in his craft. Adoration, earned by acts of selflessness and a genuine care and love for all life. 

But what leads someone, who allegedly 'had it all', to feel such despair that their only thought to feeling better is, to kill themself?  The demons he fought and lost to, must have been so strong that he couldn't find a way out of his dark place. His family will always wonder and feel like they could've done something but in reality, no one could have gotten him through it but him. 

I've felt a depression and a hopelessness before. I've even contemplated taking my life, thinking the world would be a better place without me. I'd thought my kids would be better off without me in their lives and that I was a waste of space. I can't say what brought me out of it or what I did to remind me that life is worth living, I just knew that I had to love someone or something better than I loved the dark place I lived in for a time. And I do. My three beautiful children. I didn't want them I grow up without a mother or to ever think I didn't love them enough to live. It also wasn't about them, but about me finding myself in a World full of people but feeling so alone. 

When surrounded by people who love you or claim to, can be suffocating at times. Especially if you feel you haven't done anything to deserve it. The questions come, Why? Why can't I feel right in my own skin? When will the feeling end and I can just be? Where do I belong in a place that doesn't seem like my own? Questions that can only be answered by the person asking. 

I felt a true sadness for Robin and his family because I had a vague idea of what he may have felt. He brought so much life and laughter and you can only hope that someone could've brought him the same, if only to show him how wonderful he was and what he meant to so many. Maybe the strain of being 'on' all the time was too much. Maybe life was just too unbearable and he didn't know how to make it bearable. Maybe he was meant to be here for a short time, to inflict his genius and his humanitarianism and leave a legacy that will be forever captured in film. Maybe the laughter was an escape but wasn't enough to mask the pain he felt. I hope he is now at peace and his family will find closure sometime soon. 

I implore anyone who reads this to seek help if they feel like life is not for the living but for the dead. I wish you all good health. 

Parenting A Teenager Will Be the Death of Me.

Since before I could remember I haven't felt close to my oldest daughter. I love her and I would do anything I could to give her her dreams and wishes (within reason). I feel guilty because we haven't bonded in the way her father and her have. I feel sad because she will never understand the depth of my love for her. I feel helpless to know she is in pain and is feeling lost and she won't let me help her or even talk to me about it. I feel like a failure as a parent that she feels the need to usurp my role as the parent when dealing with her siblings and when she ignores me like I'm part of the furniture in the house. I feel badly because sometimes I don't even like her. 

From the beginning, she and I didn't get to connect like I wanted to. After I gave birth to her, I had to return to work after 7 short weeks with her. Her father and I had opposite schedules and I worked during the day and he worked at night. They spent the days bonding while I got to just put her to bed and wake in the night to feed her or get her ready in the mornings for her father to come home and crash while she had TV to keep her attention. I felt bad about that at times but what can you do? 

She has always done things with her father on her own when I had to clean the house do things, it was the two of them. It continued on after her younger sister came and she resented having a sister to have to share her dad with. And then a brother, although she loves him and shows him more than she does for her younger sister. That hurts me the most but I can't change her or how she deals with her feelings. I can only make sure she knows I love her no matter how her sister treats her. (But that's for another post entirely.) 

When I had the nerve to want a divorce she and I had an even more strained relationship. For a moment she hated her father and although I allowed her her feelings I tried not to say anything negative about him in front of them. She went on this way for a while and then it changed back to her hating me and being in love with her father. He gives her the things she wants and I just have rules. 

I won't say I doesn't hurt that it's this way but I can't make her talk to me or share what's going on with her anymore than I can change my feelings for her father and love him again. It is all I could do to just wish to go back in time and start over with her from the very beginning. But that will never happen. All I am able to do now is wait for the day she leaves and doesn't come back and then my life starts over. 

She's angry, hurt, confused and a teenager. Her life and what happens to her are the most important things to her. We are all casualties of circumstance and she has to endure us for the time being. Lashing out and verbally hitting out is her forte and she's been good with it to a certain extent. She won't ever know how every time she opens her mouth I don't believe anything she says to me anymore. I'm just a vessel for her to use while she is here to be used for what she wants and when she wants it. 

She talks of college like she's ready. She's a smart girl and will go far if she stops getting in her own way. I am proud of the things she is able to accomplish. I'm proud of the dreams she wishes to go after. I am proud of her ability to speak her truth even if I feel its a bit skewed at times. I am proud to be her mother whether she cares or not. But I fear at times she is just too scared to tell me she's afraid and talks big and it's kind of getting on my nerves. 

She assumes she knows me and I'm guilty of allowing her to keep her opinions. I've allowed what her father has said about me to go unchanged bc I don't want to start another World War. I haven't tried to reach out to talk to her bc it falls on deaf ears and I have two other children to consider. She takes up more of my emotional and mental capacity than the three of them put together, it's a wonder I'm still sane enough to function as a human being. 

She sucks the life force out of those near her and has no excuses or time to turn and see the wreckage she's left in her wake. The song "Wreaking Ball" just came to mind, I wonder why? 

Part of the issue is her father is so intent to buy her what she wants, give her her every need that he doesn't see the damage he's doing to her by allowing her unseemly behavior to go on unpunished or at the least talk to her like her parent and not a friend. Funny he accused me of trying to be her friend instead of her parent. When in fact I may have been lenient in the beginning of the separation and subsequent divorce, but she still had rules and boundaries. He keeps filling her head with ideas of granduer but doesn't give her the tools to back it up. She's not as street smart as she likes to think she is. She's kind of an airhead at times and the funny thing is she's book smart but can't take the time to learn proper enunciation of regular words or how to use it correctly. 

She feels entitled and probably feel envious about what she thinks she "needs" or is "supposed" to have or feels she "deserves". Working for your money is what I learned early on. She still hasn't figured that out yet. I have been trying to keep her grounded and in reality but it's like stapling jello to a tree, it's not gonna happen. Especially if I get no help from her father who would accuse me of saying he isn't being a good parent. (Which in my opinion, is only partially true.) 

The life of a parent isn't easy and having a brick wall to contend with is even more challenging. I hate to keep her at arms length but I fear her being too close will be my ultimate demise and I have only myself to blame for allowing it to happen. 

Dads... Again...

6yrs isn't long enough for the painful sting of loss to fade, stem the irrational feeling of regret, extinguish the burn of lost opportunities or to stem the flow of emotion that still occurs when I think of my father.

Emo ranting...

Today was a very strange day. I went through a variety of emotions today and I'm ending my night in tears and sadness.

Had the best time with my oldest friend at the Obon today. But the morning was a mess and I just wanted the day to end so I could start new but then my world came crashing down around me.

You see, I'm in love with someone who became my friend first, who I trusted and wanted their every happiness. I had no idea what it would mean when I first met and saw him after over 20 yrs. But you just know.

Never intended to fall in love. Never could've imagined what it would feel like to be able to be myself with someone and not worry about how they would react. I could say what I wanted without having to sensor myself.

After therapy, I realized I'm responsible for my own feelings, how i feel about me and my own reactions. I'm not responsible for someone elses feelings or how they feel about themselves or how they react to what I say or do.

Well, today was the end of what has barely begun. After 2 years, it appears what was so endearing about me and what was at some point enough, just became too much. I'm not an easy person to love and I've proved it over and over again. This time was too much for him.

My problem is I love too much and I want too much. I'm an independent and strong woman who knows what she wants and what she needs. I want and need him. I am in love with him and for me it will never be over. But I know I'll need to accept it at some point. Just not right now...