It comes in waves. It crashes down on you with all the weight of the world. It ebbs as if it were never there only to come back with a driving force that knocks you over without warning.
You have good days and you have bad days. The good days are when you're fine and your thoughts are your own and they are not consumed with grief, sorrow and regret. The bad days, they are bad. Grief consumes your every emotion, sorrow is in your every feeling and regret is in your every thought.
Every memory is a slideshow of vignettes that make you long for just one more day to get one more memory. Walking you back through time in a myriad of emotions and memories that have the ability to cripple you.
Time changes nothing while death can change everything. It changes how you speak. Everything becomes 'was' instead of 'is'. Or 'remember when?' or 'remember that time?'... You don't speak the words often and you wish the words away. Because with those words you must acknowledge that someone is no longer there and it
You stare out into space and your mind blanks and a feeling descends upon you that you cannot escape. You shut down and you shut all those around you out. And in that moment you do not exist. Grief it has become you. You are drowning in it and at times you feel yourself wanting to stay in it. It's a warm blanket that you wrap yourself in and it's comforting. You have to be careful to not get too comfortable or it will consume you.
It is the anniversary of my Fathers death and it will always hit me hard. With the grief comes the regret. With the regret comes ven more sorrow. It's a visious cycle that ends eventually only to come back again every year.
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