From the beginning, she and I didn't get to connect like I wanted to. After I gave birth to her, I had to return to work after 7 short weeks with her. Her father and I had opposite schedules and I worked during the day and he worked at night. They spent the days bonding while I got to just put her to bed and wake in the night to feed her or get her ready in the mornings for her father to come home and crash while she had TV to keep her attention. I felt bad about that at times but what can you do?
She has always done things with her father on her own when I had to clean the house do things, it was the two of them. It continued on after her younger sister came and she resented having a sister to have to share her dad with. And then a brother, although she loves him and shows him more than she does for her younger sister. That hurts me the most but I can't change her or how she deals with her feelings. I can only make sure she knows I love her no matter how her sister treats her. (But that's for another post entirely.)
When I had the nerve to want a divorce she and I had an even more strained relationship. For a moment she hated her father and although I allowed her her feelings I tried not to say anything negative about him in front of them. She went on this way for a while and then it changed back to her hating me and being in love with her father. He gives her the things she wants and I just have rules.
I won't say I doesn't hurt that it's this way but I can't make her talk to me or share what's going on with her anymore than I can change my feelings for her father and love him again. It is all I could do to just wish to go back in time and start over with her from the very beginning. But that will never happen. All I am able to do now is wait for the day she leaves and doesn't come back and then my life starts over.
She's angry, hurt, confused and a teenager. Her life and what happens to her are the most important things to her. We are all casualties of circumstance and she has to endure us for the time being. Lashing out and verbally hitting out is her forte and she's been good with it to a certain extent. She won't ever know how every time she opens her mouth I don't believe anything she says to me anymore. I'm just a vessel for her to use while she is here to be used for what she wants and when she wants it.
She talks of college like she's ready. She's a smart girl and will go far if she stops getting in her own way. I am proud of the things she is able to accomplish. I'm proud of the dreams she wishes to go after. I am proud of her ability to speak her truth even if I feel its a bit skewed at times. I am proud to be her mother whether she cares or not. But I fear at times she is just too scared to tell me she's afraid and talks big and it's kind of getting on my nerves.
She assumes she knows me and I'm guilty of allowing her to keep her opinions. I've allowed what her father has said about me to go unchanged bc I don't want to start another World War. I haven't tried to reach out to talk to her bc it falls on deaf ears and I have two other children to consider. She takes up more of my emotional and mental capacity than the three of them put together, it's a wonder I'm still sane enough to function as a human being.
She sucks the life force out of those near her and has no excuses or time to turn and see the wreckage she's left in her wake. The song "Wreaking Ball" just came to mind, I wonder why?
Part of the issue is her father is so intent to buy her what she wants, give her her every need that he doesn't see the damage he's doing to her by allowing her unseemly behavior to go on unpunished or at the least talk to her like her parent and not a friend. Funny he accused me of trying to be her friend instead of her parent. When in fact I may have been lenient in the beginning of the separation and subsequent divorce, but she still had rules and boundaries. He keeps filling her head with ideas of granduer but doesn't give her the tools to back it up. She's not as street smart as she likes to think she is. She's kind of an airhead at times and the funny thing is she's book smart but can't take the time to learn proper enunciation of regular words or how to use it correctly.
She feels entitled and probably feel envious about what she thinks she "needs" or is "supposed" to have or feels she "deserves". Working for your money is what I learned early on. She still hasn't figured that out yet. I have been trying to keep her grounded and in reality but it's like stapling jello to a tree, it's not gonna happen. Especially if I get no help from her father who would accuse me of saying he isn't being a good parent. (Which in my opinion, is only partially true.)
The life of a parent isn't easy and having a brick wall to contend with is even more challenging. I hate to keep her at arms length but I fear her being too close will be my ultimate demise and I have only myself to blame for allowing it to happen.
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