A Letter to My Middle Child

Dear MiniMe,

Life is rough. Life is unfair. Life is good. It may not seem like it all the time, but I love you with all that I am and ever will be. We may get on each other's nerves from time to time and you may feel suffocated by my mothering a lot of the time. But, I promiss you, I do all I do because I love you and want you to know you are always loved no matter what you say or do. You make me laugh. You frustrate me. You give me a reason to be a good mom. 

It sucks being the middle child. I would know since I am a middle child. And I know it sucks. The pressures to be better than your oldest sibling and to be more special than your younger sibling is a lot to live up to. You want to emulate your older sibling while attempting to be a good role model for your younger sibling.  It's a rough ride when you have an older sibling who can literally suck the life out of every situation and can make even the most simple and fun thing be such a chore. And then the competition for attention is worse when your younger sibling is not only the baby of the family but is the only boy too. Talk about rotten luck. But we must deal with the hand we are dealt. 

I will say though that you have a sweeter disposition than I ever did at your current age (12 going on 16 😔) and that helps because you are very likable to others and lovable to me. The only problem is, is that you still crave attention so badly but you must go about it a different way. Whether it be to be noticed by doing something good or bad, you just want to be noticed and there is no harm or shame in going after what you want. It's just in the way you go about it that matters. Negative attention is still attention but it won't be as satisfying as the positive attention given when you do something good because then you feel good about what you did and for the attention it got you. Praise feels so much better to give than being disappointed. No matter what kind of attention you seek and how you go about getting it, I want you to know I love you no matter what. 

And remember, your attitude towards yourself is more important and it reflects how you handle situations. You are precious to me. Your personality is so unlike how I was at your age and yet we are probably more alike now then we will ever be from these days forward. We have things we like to do. I love to read and listen to music. If I could get a job doing just that, I would. I like to eat and I like being outdoors. You like all of the above but I think you like being outdoors as long as you don't have to walk or climb or be too active. In time, I hope that changes. I think I could sit with you and just listen to music and read and we wouldn't have to talk. 

Although I'd like to talk to you. I'd like to know what you're thinking. I'd like to know how you're feeling. Only if you let me in. The unanswered question is the question never asked. It's not easy talking to you because I know you'd mostly want my approval more than you'd care about anything else. Just know that what ever you say is going to be heard. If you want me to say something, you need only ask. I may not know everything or have an answer for everything, but I will share what ever you wish to know. Whatever you say will stay between us unless you wish to share it and even then it's for you to share. 

I hope someday you will see the special and wonderful young woman you are and will become. I don't say it because I'm your mother but because it's true. If only you believe it to be true. And someday I hope you will. I Love You Sweet Girl. Always and forever. 

Parenting A Teenager Will Be the Death of Me.

Since before I could remember I haven't felt close to my oldest daughter. I love her and I would do anything I could to give her her dreams and wishes (within reason). I feel guilty because we haven't bonded in the way her father and her have. I feel sad because she will never understand the depth of my love for her. I feel helpless to know she is in pain and is feeling lost and she won't let me help her or even talk to me about it. I feel like a failure as a parent that she feels the need to usurp my role as the parent when dealing with her siblings and when she ignores me like I'm part of the furniture in the house. I feel badly because sometimes I don't even like her. 

From the beginning, she and I didn't get to connect like I wanted to. After I gave birth to her, I had to return to work after 7 short weeks with her. Her father and I had opposite schedules and I worked during the day and he worked at night. They spent the days bonding while I got to just put her to bed and wake in the night to feed her or get her ready in the mornings for her father to come home and crash while she had TV to keep her attention. I felt bad about that at times but what can you do? 

She has always done things with her father on her own when I had to clean the house do things, it was the two of them. It continued on after her younger sister came and she resented having a sister to have to share her dad with. And then a brother, although she loves him and shows him more than she does for her younger sister. That hurts me the most but I can't change her or how she deals with her feelings. I can only make sure she knows I love her no matter how her sister treats her. (But that's for another post entirely.) 

When I had the nerve to want a divorce she and I had an even more strained relationship. For a moment she hated her father and although I allowed her her feelings I tried not to say anything negative about him in front of them. She went on this way for a while and then it changed back to her hating me and being in love with her father. He gives her the things she wants and I just have rules. 

I won't say I doesn't hurt that it's this way but I can't make her talk to me or share what's going on with her anymore than I can change my feelings for her father and love him again. It is all I could do to just wish to go back in time and start over with her from the very beginning. But that will never happen. All I am able to do now is wait for the day she leaves and doesn't come back and then my life starts over. 

She's angry, hurt, confused and a teenager. Her life and what happens to her are the most important things to her. We are all casualties of circumstance and she has to endure us for the time being. Lashing out and verbally hitting out is her forte and she's been good with it to a certain extent. She won't ever know how every time she opens her mouth I don't believe anything she says to me anymore. I'm just a vessel for her to use while she is here to be used for what she wants and when she wants it. 

She talks of college like she's ready. She's a smart girl and will go far if she stops getting in her own way. I am proud of the things she is able to accomplish. I'm proud of the dreams she wishes to go after. I am proud of her ability to speak her truth even if I feel its a bit skewed at times. I am proud to be her mother whether she cares or not. But I fear at times she is just too scared to tell me she's afraid and talks big and it's kind of getting on my nerves. 

She assumes she knows me and I'm guilty of allowing her to keep her opinions. I've allowed what her father has said about me to go unchanged bc I don't want to start another World War. I haven't tried to reach out to talk to her bc it falls on deaf ears and I have two other children to consider. She takes up more of my emotional and mental capacity than the three of them put together, it's a wonder I'm still sane enough to function as a human being. 

She sucks the life force out of those near her and has no excuses or time to turn and see the wreckage she's left in her wake. The song "Wreaking Ball" just came to mind, I wonder why? 

Part of the issue is her father is so intent to buy her what she wants, give her her every need that he doesn't see the damage he's doing to her by allowing her unseemly behavior to go on unpunished or at the least talk to her like her parent and not a friend. Funny he accused me of trying to be her friend instead of her parent. When in fact I may have been lenient in the beginning of the separation and subsequent divorce, but she still had rules and boundaries. He keeps filling her head with ideas of granduer but doesn't give her the tools to back it up. She's not as street smart as she likes to think she is. She's kind of an airhead at times and the funny thing is she's book smart but can't take the time to learn proper enunciation of regular words or how to use it correctly. 

She feels entitled and probably feel envious about what she thinks she "needs" or is "supposed" to have or feels she "deserves". Working for your money is what I learned early on. She still hasn't figured that out yet. I have been trying to keep her grounded and in reality but it's like stapling jello to a tree, it's not gonna happen. Especially if I get no help from her father who would accuse me of saying he isn't being a good parent. (Which in my opinion, is only partially true.) 

The life of a parent isn't easy and having a brick wall to contend with is even more challenging. I hate to keep her at arms length but I fear her being too close will be my ultimate demise and I have only myself to blame for allowing it to happen. 

Care too much? Is there such a thing?

There are times I feel like I care too much. Not necessarily about what others think of me or anything like that, but about the people in my life and the time I invest in them.

Let's take my oldest daughter first. She's a selfish creature who not only won't let me into her life and without WWIII happening I don't push my way in. I have tried all I could with her by getting her help, putting her on Meds (recommended by the Dr) giving her whatever she wanted (within reason) and still nothing... I'm literally to the point where I don't want to care anymore bc she is damaging the relationships I'm trying to have with my two younger children and she damaging any hope that once she leaves my house, I won't let her back in. And most of all, I'm allowing her to damage how I view my abilities to be a mother. 

I know, I sound like a terrible mother and I know my child is disturbed and needs help. But how can you help someone who won't ask and will refuse to do as you say just bc it's not what she wants? Or if it's because I say she needs help, she won't accept it or be amenable to seeking it herself?  I'm trying to focus on my other two while trying to give her what she wants and it's not working. So I'm trying to step back from her and from caring too much bc I'm at my wits end. Her father isn't helpful because he's singing the same woe is me song since our divorce. (Isn't that a good sign as to why I don't want to be married to him anymore?) 

I feel that if I care a little less, my way of damage control, I feel the house will be more settled and will become less about her and more about everyone else. 

The other person I'm talking about is my boyfriend. I love him like I've never known love in a grown up relationship however I came to realize I think of him and his feelings more than he does with me and mine. Now it may seem petty and maybe I'm looking for reasons to be nit picky but the state of my future and that of my children are important to me. 

He cares about the kids but would gladly be with them and not with me. I think because I'm more energetic and like to be active is a problem for him. I sometimes have ADHD tendencies that flare up and I am a mile-a-minute kind of person. He also doesn't retain things I say to him unless it's in an alert or in email form where he can see it. When he gets into it with his daughter he will just forget we exist as a couple and will make decisions on his own without talking to me about it. Like he feels moving away will solve his problems and that he will "wait for me" until I can move to be with him. His daughter is older and will be off to college in a few years where as I have two younger ones and couldn't move away from them or with them bc of their father. 

To me if you are having a relationship with someone you intend to spend the rest of your life with, shouldn't you be sharing the day to day and the important things with each other? He had a job interview but didn't tell me until it was about to happen. He accepted the job and told me way after the fact. I told him about a job I wanted to apply for, when my interview was and when they called me to offer it to me. It was affecting our relationship and the time we would be able to spend together but yet if it interfered with "our" time he wasn't going to be happy. 

I don't know, maybe I'm seeing and looking for things to be annoyed with but to me caring about the other person more isn't making life easier. 

That saying, 'Sharing is caring' only works if everyone wants to share. Well sometimes, Not sharing is caring. And I feel like I'm right about there... 

The End but....

This is something I wrote today. My boyfriend of 3 years called it quits... I'm devastated and hurt and beyond sad... 

The sad thing is my head and my heart aren't listening to each other. My heart will want what my head knows it can't have. Why? Because sadly being in love with someone even if you aren't together anymore doesn't change just because you want it to. 

The good thing is, because of you, I know my worth and I know I'm enough its just too bad you didn't think you were for me. The me that I've become now wants it ALL... I want to love and be loved in return. I want to have mind blowing sex all the time because I know I have it in me to be that free. I want to laugh at the silly things and even while making love bc that's how connected I can be. I want to cry and listen to every pain and hurt. I want to give my whole self and know its received and wanted and I'm getting the same thing in return. 

We had ALL of that. I would love to have it with you still but you want to be alone for now. I know someday you'll find what you need for you. Unfortunately for me you are one of a kind and having it ALL isn't in the cards for me. 

So, I'll be me for me and no one else. I'll be mom and I'll be a friend but I'll have to give up on wanting to have more kids and the life I wanted with the love of my life. 

Maybe, in another 20 years I'll see you and will only wish you well and know that you'll always hold a special place in my heart. And that a huge part of me will always love you no matter how far away you are... Be happy My Love...

...For now, I'll just go on as I need to for my children and live each day trying to fill the void and pain I feel inside. Now to break it to the kids... :(

Where does the time go?

So... I think I lost a month. Where did the time go? I could have sworn it was just February. But now it's April and I feel like the month of March happened and I wasnt warned.

Ok let see if I can remember what happened in March... Now this is only the second day of April so you'd think I'd be able to remember right? Riiiight.... This will probably be a series of back tracking posts or I may just cram it all in one. We'll see...

March is the birth month of my first daughter. She turned 14 and I could swear she was just a little baby yesterday. I mean seriously how did that happen? She's grown into a beautiful, funny, smart, and interesting young woman. Ugh! Young woman... She's my Baby Girl and always will be. But I must deal with the fact that she's growing right before my eyes. Almost taller than me, a fact she likes to rub in...

I wish I had had some of her personality when I was her age. It's an awkward stage in her life and she's going through puberty, divorce and the years of self-doubt. She seems so self assured at times and so happy but I also see the little girl confused as to her place in this crazy world and where she fits in exactly. I hurt for her and wish she would open up to me. I always tell her my door is always open and that she can come to me and talk about anything she wants but she keeps quiet. Someday soon I hope she will. She starts High School next year and it's going to be a scary time for her and hope she will see she can come to me.

So that's not the only thing that happened but all I'm gonna say for now. Feeling a bit blah now because I miss my little big girl...



A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart.  ~Author Unknown

A Conversation With My Kids.... Pt 1

I'm going to start a series of posts about my random conversations with my kids. I love when I can spend a few moments in a day and have a chat with any of them. And with three kids sometimes it's hard to have a one on one convo without someone interrupting at some point. I try to be able to have a moment with each of them but it depends on their moods and when they feel like talking that makes it's difficult sometimes. But I do what I can and as a single mom it's gonna have to be enough for now. I want them to look back and remember the times we spent talking and me listening to them. These are moments I cherish most when they aren't with me and I'm alone missing them.

Conversations With My Boy...
This little guy is always busy and when he not running around pretending to shoot someone he's a cuddlebug and will talk till the sun goes down. One day I was making dinner and he always likes to be around and if there is something he can help with I let him.

I was getting the apple sauce out for something and he asks me, 'Mommy, do you know the ingredients to make applesauce?'

I said to him, 'No, I don't. But I'd like to try to make it.'

He says,'Its easy.'

I was intrigued because I was wondering what was going on in his head at that point. And he said the word "ingredients". I said,'Really? It's easy?'

He says,'Yes. First you get the apples and you get the sauce, put it together in a pan. And then you have applesauce. See?'

I tried hard not to laugh but I had the biggest smile on my face. Wondering where he gets this stuff from... I said,'That sounds good.'

These are the moments I love and cherish the most. He's my heart and I just love that boy to death. :)