Milestones....

Today was my oldest daughters' birthday. She turned 18! I can't believe I'm the mother of an adult! Who by the way, already looked 18 a few years ago. I mean let's be honest, I look like I'm 35 or sometimes a bit younger. I'm not, but its true. 

It's one milestone in a long line of lifelong milestones in a persons life. 18 is pretty huge. And the funny thing for me being her mother is, I didn't freak when I was turning 40. Nope, it was just another birthday milestone for me but I didn't let it make me crazy. Watching my daughter this last year in high school has been an eye opener and a major reality check for me. She is no longer a child. Well, she still acts like she's 12 but she's a teenager and a birthday isn't a magic day where all of the sudden you're an adult and you can no longer act like you did 24 hours before. She says she doesn't feel different but knows she's different now. What a strange way of putting it but it's pretty accurate. 

How do we navigate this murky water between teenager not yet old enough but yet old enough to do some things you weren't old enough to do the day before? Confusing huh? It's a fine line of being an adult and a child. She could vote, purchase cigarettes (but she can't smoke in my house), she could walk into the DMV and get her license and immediately take her behind the wheel test (if she was ready to and I wanted to drive in a car with her, I don't), she can sign herself out of school (not going to permit that but I'm sure she'll do it anyway) and she could even move out of my house if she wanted to (but won't, because who will cook and clean for her if she left?) 

So many possibilities and yet too many scary things to fathom what "being an adult" entails. You can no longer get away with breaking a law and having your record sealed as a juvenile, you will be looked upon to do great things and not be a lazy bum, you have to start making life choices that you ultimately have to live with and suffer the consequences of any misdeed you may do and even though you're an adult you can't get away with the dumb stuff you did as a "kid" because now, you should know better. 

I still feel like there is so much I need to teach her and I feel like I need more time. As parents we get them for 18 whirlwind years and then they become their own person and move on. They get the rest of their lives for the rest of their lives and we as parents have to sit back and watch. It's like a toddler learning to walk, you have your hands out ready for them to hold on to in case they stumble or fall all the while hoping they will just walk and not fall. 

We got to watch so many milestones before this day and now she's ready to have the rest of her milestones on her own. We get to be a witness as a spectator instead of a facilitator. Oh how sad and scared I am for what's to come. 

Where do we go from here? Who knows... Just a few months left in her senior year of high school and she is savoring every moment. So I say enjoy these last few months and let me watch you as you grow into your adulthood and tackle yet another milestone I have had the honor of witnessing. 

A Letter to My Middle Child

Dear MiniMe,

Life is rough. Life is unfair. Life is good. It may not seem like it all the time, but I love you with all that I am and ever will be. We may get on each other's nerves from time to time and you may feel suffocated by my mothering a lot of the time. But, I promiss you, I do all I do because I love you and want you to know you are always loved no matter what you say or do. You make me laugh. You frustrate me. You give me a reason to be a good mom. 

It sucks being the middle child. I would know since I am a middle child. And I know it sucks. The pressures to be better than your oldest sibling and to be more special than your younger sibling is a lot to live up to. You want to emulate your older sibling while attempting to be a good role model for your younger sibling.  It's a rough ride when you have an older sibling who can literally suck the life out of every situation and can make even the most simple and fun thing be such a chore. And then the competition for attention is worse when your younger sibling is not only the baby of the family but is the only boy too. Talk about rotten luck. But we must deal with the hand we are dealt. 

I will say though that you have a sweeter disposition than I ever did at your current age (12 going on 16 😔) and that helps because you are very likable to others and lovable to me. The only problem is, is that you still crave attention so badly but you must go about it a different way. Whether it be to be noticed by doing something good or bad, you just want to be noticed and there is no harm or shame in going after what you want. It's just in the way you go about it that matters. Negative attention is still attention but it won't be as satisfying as the positive attention given when you do something good because then you feel good about what you did and for the attention it got you. Praise feels so much better to give than being disappointed. No matter what kind of attention you seek and how you go about getting it, I want you to know I love you no matter what. 

And remember, your attitude towards yourself is more important and it reflects how you handle situations. You are precious to me. Your personality is so unlike how I was at your age and yet we are probably more alike now then we will ever be from these days forward. We have things we like to do. I love to read and listen to music. If I could get a job doing just that, I would. I like to eat and I like being outdoors. You like all of the above but I think you like being outdoors as long as you don't have to walk or climb or be too active. In time, I hope that changes. I think I could sit with you and just listen to music and read and we wouldn't have to talk. 

Although I'd like to talk to you. I'd like to know what you're thinking. I'd like to know how you're feeling. Only if you let me in. The unanswered question is the question never asked. It's not easy talking to you because I know you'd mostly want my approval more than you'd care about anything else. Just know that what ever you say is going to be heard. If you want me to say something, you need only ask. I may not know everything or have an answer for everything, but I will share what ever you wish to know. Whatever you say will stay between us unless you wish to share it and even then it's for you to share. 

I hope someday you will see the special and wonderful young woman you are and will become. I don't say it because I'm your mother but because it's true. If only you believe it to be true. And someday I hope you will. I Love You Sweet Girl. Always and forever. 

Parenting A Teenager Will Be the Death of Me.

Since before I could remember I haven't felt close to my oldest daughter. I love her and I would do anything I could to give her her dreams and wishes (within reason). I feel guilty because we haven't bonded in the way her father and her have. I feel sad because she will never understand the depth of my love for her. I feel helpless to know she is in pain and is feeling lost and she won't let me help her or even talk to me about it. I feel like a failure as a parent that she feels the need to usurp my role as the parent when dealing with her siblings and when she ignores me like I'm part of the furniture in the house. I feel badly because sometimes I don't even like her. 

From the beginning, she and I didn't get to connect like I wanted to. After I gave birth to her, I had to return to work after 7 short weeks with her. Her father and I had opposite schedules and I worked during the day and he worked at night. They spent the days bonding while I got to just put her to bed and wake in the night to feed her or get her ready in the mornings for her father to come home and crash while she had TV to keep her attention. I felt bad about that at times but what can you do? 

She has always done things with her father on her own when I had to clean the house do things, it was the two of them. It continued on after her younger sister came and she resented having a sister to have to share her dad with. And then a brother, although she loves him and shows him more than she does for her younger sister. That hurts me the most but I can't change her or how she deals with her feelings. I can only make sure she knows I love her no matter how her sister treats her. (But that's for another post entirely.) 

When I had the nerve to want a divorce she and I had an even more strained relationship. For a moment she hated her father and although I allowed her her feelings I tried not to say anything negative about him in front of them. She went on this way for a while and then it changed back to her hating me and being in love with her father. He gives her the things she wants and I just have rules. 

I won't say I doesn't hurt that it's this way but I can't make her talk to me or share what's going on with her anymore than I can change my feelings for her father and love him again. It is all I could do to just wish to go back in time and start over with her from the very beginning. But that will never happen. All I am able to do now is wait for the day she leaves and doesn't come back and then my life starts over. 

She's angry, hurt, confused and a teenager. Her life and what happens to her are the most important things to her. We are all casualties of circumstance and she has to endure us for the time being. Lashing out and verbally hitting out is her forte and she's been good with it to a certain extent. She won't ever know how every time she opens her mouth I don't believe anything she says to me anymore. I'm just a vessel for her to use while she is here to be used for what she wants and when she wants it. 

She talks of college like she's ready. She's a smart girl and will go far if she stops getting in her own way. I am proud of the things she is able to accomplish. I'm proud of the dreams she wishes to go after. I am proud of her ability to speak her truth even if I feel its a bit skewed at times. I am proud to be her mother whether she cares or not. But I fear at times she is just too scared to tell me she's afraid and talks big and it's kind of getting on my nerves. 

She assumes she knows me and I'm guilty of allowing her to keep her opinions. I've allowed what her father has said about me to go unchanged bc I don't want to start another World War. I haven't tried to reach out to talk to her bc it falls on deaf ears and I have two other children to consider. She takes up more of my emotional and mental capacity than the three of them put together, it's a wonder I'm still sane enough to function as a human being. 

She sucks the life force out of those near her and has no excuses or time to turn and see the wreckage she's left in her wake. The song "Wreaking Ball" just came to mind, I wonder why? 

Part of the issue is her father is so intent to buy her what she wants, give her her every need that he doesn't see the damage he's doing to her by allowing her unseemly behavior to go on unpunished or at the least talk to her like her parent and not a friend. Funny he accused me of trying to be her friend instead of her parent. When in fact I may have been lenient in the beginning of the separation and subsequent divorce, but she still had rules and boundaries. He keeps filling her head with ideas of granduer but doesn't give her the tools to back it up. She's not as street smart as she likes to think she is. She's kind of an airhead at times and the funny thing is she's book smart but can't take the time to learn proper enunciation of regular words or how to use it correctly. 

She feels entitled and probably feel envious about what she thinks she "needs" or is "supposed" to have or feels she "deserves". Working for your money is what I learned early on. She still hasn't figured that out yet. I have been trying to keep her grounded and in reality but it's like stapling jello to a tree, it's not gonna happen. Especially if I get no help from her father who would accuse me of saying he isn't being a good parent. (Which in my opinion, is only partially true.) 

The life of a parent isn't easy and having a brick wall to contend with is even more challenging. I hate to keep her at arms length but I fear her being too close will be my ultimate demise and I have only myself to blame for allowing it to happen.