Lately I've been trying to run at least a couple miles a day and getting competitive with myself again by trying to make the time faster each time. Or longer distance
I run for me. I run to be and stay healthy. I run to feel freedom from being anyone else but just Me. But lately I feel like running is a chore. Something I have to do in order to want to eat or be happy with how I look. Don't get me wrong, I feel great after I do it, but my body tells me a different story.
Sometimes my runs feel like a therapy session where I'm just trying to stay above the water just so I don't drown in my thoughts and pressures.
'Some times I feel I've got to get away' how ironic that a song lyric fits what I feel. I'd like to get away and leave everything behind for someone else to deal with it all. But I'm a grown up and I don't have that choice...
Need to start running again so I can feel good about me again. I'll let the rest take care of itself in its own time.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Everything Changes
Change... Is an inevitable thing that happens whether we are prepared for it or not. Or whether we want it to happen or not. It just happens. Sometimes things are beyond our control and sometimes things happen for reasons only reason can define.
The change I'm referring to right now isn't the stuff that makes a jingling sound in ones pocket or what women go through when they reach a certain age but the kind that can have a lasting and life altering effect on you.
We have been in the process of moving and the kids and I are moving closer to family. I've been watching the kids and how they have been feeling about it all and so far so good.
Now, let's fast forward to a few months after I started this. We have moved and now the reality set in. They are on the fence about it but for the most part seem ok. The oldest is resistant but is resigned that we aren't moving back to where we used to live.
The little ones are still getting used to the idea of their parents not together anymore so this is just the added craziness they are trying to deal with.
Now it's a year later. They have moments of missing where we used to live. But the worst part in all of this is that their father moved further away and rarely sees them. (but that is a different story).
We've all had to learn to adjust and make changes in our lives and so far not too shabby. I'm happier and they see it, they are happy for the most part and are doing well. So far...
We shall see what happens next.
The change I'm referring to right now isn't the stuff that makes a jingling sound in ones pocket or what women go through when they reach a certain age but the kind that can have a lasting and life altering effect on you.
We have been in the process of moving and the kids and I are moving closer to family. I've been watching the kids and how they have been feeling about it all and so far so good.
Now, let's fast forward to a few months after I started this. We have moved and now the reality set in. They are on the fence about it but for the most part seem ok. The oldest is resistant but is resigned that we aren't moving back to where we used to live.
The little ones are still getting used to the idea of their parents not together anymore so this is just the added craziness they are trying to deal with.
Now it's a year later. They have moments of missing where we used to live. But the worst part in all of this is that their father moved further away and rarely sees them. (but that is a different story).
We've all had to learn to adjust and make changes in our lives and so far not too shabby. I'm happier and they see it, they are happy for the most part and are doing well. So far...
We shall see what happens next.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
I Just Wanted To Be Worth It
I have come to realize lately with all the things going on in my personal life that I had yet to pinpoint my issues with my father. Among his list of sins, being a dead beat dad, denying I could be his, abandoning my mother to raise 2 kids by herself until he reappeared when I was about 5, always flaking when I wanted to see him and basically being let down by the one person you should be able to count on.
My relationship with my mother wasn't the best bc I felt compelled to defend his actions to my mother, who just wanted me to see the man he really was. I didn't want to me told he was not going to be there for me or to be told I'm wasting my time. Wasn't that something for me to find out on my own?
I had a strange relationship with my dad before my parents divorce. We bickered like little kids, always had to have the last word in a "discussion", and wanted attention any way I could get it.
When my patents divorced and my mother moved my sisters and I to live with my grandmother in the Monterey Bay Area. I didn't know that the move meant we wouldn't see our dad any more or that he wouldn't make an effort to try to see his children. All I knew was my life was changing in a way that didn't make sense to me and I didn't like it.
My dad called a lot at the beginning and he even saw us once when we just moved. Then the calls became less frequent and the times we could talk to him became more trying and his visits ended altogether. We would get the Christmas card and the birthday card every year. And then one year I got 2 birthday cards, that was when things started to unravel for me and when I started to really rebel bc I need to be noticed and wanted and loved. It was dumb but what can I do about it now? I did bad things but now I know better.
The year I graduated from middle school I invited my dad to come and he didn't show up and didn't explain why. The shine and glow of my dad became a bit tarnished but I still needed to believe he cared. Then my junior year my mom and I had a huge fight about him and it resulted in me leaving my house for almost a week and putting a bigger strain on our already tenuous relationship.
Senior year came and went and he didn't show up to my graduation again. Then I was going to SoCal on a vacation with my boyfriend and made plans to see my dad. I was going to be at Disneyland and Universal Studios so I would be driving distance to him. I contacted him when I got there and made plans for him to come see me.
Well guess what? He never showed. I should have known and I should have been prepared for it and well I was heartbroken and devastated. I had a hard time with it for the longest time and decided to cut him out of my life. I didn't want to deal with someone who couldn't make time in his life for me.
Six years ago I found out my dad was in a Hospice bc he'd had a stroke. I immediately wanted to see him and at the time I was pregnant with my son. I could care less about what had kept us apart, I had planned to see him and try to bridge the gap. I was ready to let go and I had come to the realization he's human, he made mistakes and he wasn't going to change. It's just who he was and how he knew how to deal.
When I saw him he didn't even recognize me and all I could think about was, I'm too late... I was too late to have any kind of relationship with him and that I he would never know my children. I was ready to let go of all my hurts and it was too late. I sat with him while he rested and I made my peace with what never could be, what we never had and what I'd always wanted bus was resigned to the fact that I can only go forward from then. The visit was short and it ended with a renewed sense of self.
He passed away five years ago February, I saw him once more after my son was born. He was bedridden and on a ventalator. I said my goodbyes and mourned the man he could've been, never was and didn't want to be. It still hits me at times how much I miss him him even though we barely had a relationship. I cry on his anniversary and the irony of this all is, my middle daughter shares the same birthday as my dad and I'm his middle child.
I realized what my hurt was about recently that made everything make sense. All I ever wanted from him was for him to fight for me. To want me enough to fight for me instead of giving up and walking away. That's what I've learned and still want to be worth the fight, no matter how hard I may make things, I just want to be worth it....
My relationship with my mother wasn't the best bc I felt compelled to defend his actions to my mother, who just wanted me to see the man he really was. I didn't want to me told he was not going to be there for me or to be told I'm wasting my time. Wasn't that something for me to find out on my own?
I had a strange relationship with my dad before my parents divorce. We bickered like little kids, always had to have the last word in a "discussion", and wanted attention any way I could get it.
When my patents divorced and my mother moved my sisters and I to live with my grandmother in the Monterey Bay Area. I didn't know that the move meant we wouldn't see our dad any more or that he wouldn't make an effort to try to see his children. All I knew was my life was changing in a way that didn't make sense to me and I didn't like it.
My dad called a lot at the beginning and he even saw us once when we just moved. Then the calls became less frequent and the times we could talk to him became more trying and his visits ended altogether. We would get the Christmas card and the birthday card every year. And then one year I got 2 birthday cards, that was when things started to unravel for me and when I started to really rebel bc I need to be noticed and wanted and loved. It was dumb but what can I do about it now? I did bad things but now I know better.
The year I graduated from middle school I invited my dad to come and he didn't show up and didn't explain why. The shine and glow of my dad became a bit tarnished but I still needed to believe he cared. Then my junior year my mom and I had a huge fight about him and it resulted in me leaving my house for almost a week and putting a bigger strain on our already tenuous relationship.
Senior year came and went and he didn't show up to my graduation again. Then I was going to SoCal on a vacation with my boyfriend and made plans to see my dad. I was going to be at Disneyland and Universal Studios so I would be driving distance to him. I contacted him when I got there and made plans for him to come see me.
Well guess what? He never showed. I should have known and I should have been prepared for it and well I was heartbroken and devastated. I had a hard time with it for the longest time and decided to cut him out of my life. I didn't want to deal with someone who couldn't make time in his life for me.
Six years ago I found out my dad was in a Hospice bc he'd had a stroke. I immediately wanted to see him and at the time I was pregnant with my son. I could care less about what had kept us apart, I had planned to see him and try to bridge the gap. I was ready to let go and I had come to the realization he's human, he made mistakes and he wasn't going to change. It's just who he was and how he knew how to deal.
When I saw him he didn't even recognize me and all I could think about was, I'm too late... I was too late to have any kind of relationship with him and that I he would never know my children. I was ready to let go of all my hurts and it was too late. I sat with him while he rested and I made my peace with what never could be, what we never had and what I'd always wanted bus was resigned to the fact that I can only go forward from then. The visit was short and it ended with a renewed sense of self.
He passed away five years ago February, I saw him once more after my son was born. He was bedridden and on a ventalator. I said my goodbyes and mourned the man he could've been, never was and didn't want to be. It still hits me at times how much I miss him him even though we barely had a relationship. I cry on his anniversary and the irony of this all is, my middle daughter shares the same birthday as my dad and I'm his middle child.
I realized what my hurt was about recently that made everything make sense. All I ever wanted from him was for him to fight for me. To want me enough to fight for me instead of giving up and walking away. That's what I've learned and still want to be worth the fight, no matter how hard I may make things, I just want to be worth it....
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Emo ranting...
Today was a very strange day. I went through a variety of emotions today and I'm ending my night in tears and sadness.
Had the best time with my oldest friend at the Obon today. But the morning was a mess and I just wanted the day to end so I could start new but then my world came crashing down around me.
You see, I'm in love with someone who became my friend first, who I trusted and wanted their every happiness. I had no idea what it would mean when I first met and saw him after over 20 yrs. But you just know.
Never intended to fall in love. Never could've imagined what it would feel like to be able to be myself with someone and not worry about how they would react. I could say what I wanted without having to sensor myself.
After therapy, I realized I'm responsible for my own feelings, how i feel about me and my own reactions. I'm not responsible for someone elses feelings or how they feel about themselves or how they react to what I say or do.
Well, today was the end of what has barely begun. After 2 years, it appears what was so endearing about me and what was at some point enough, just became too much. I'm not an easy person to love and I've proved it over and over again. This time was too much for him.
My problem is I love too much and I want too much. I'm an independent and strong woman who knows what she wants and what she needs. I want and need him. I am in love with him and for me it will never be over. But I know I'll need to accept it at some point. Just not right now...
Wanting...
Sometimes we want what we can't have. Or want something so badly that it seems attainable but at the same time unattainable.
I want happiness. I want my kids to be healthy and well rounded in every aspect of their lives. I want to look in the mirror most days and be happy with what I see. I want to have a close relationship with my daughters. I want my son to stay sweet and be an active boy. I want peace to happen within my famliy and my daughters will learn to love each other without wanting to kill each other. I want the love of my life to be happy. I want my life to be settled.
Wanting what we can't have? Wanting what we can do for ourselves? Wanting more for ourselves then we had ever wanted before? Wanting a better future?
We all want things. It's what we do to get those things that matter. It takes hard work and it's not an easy path. But if it's worth it, then it's worth the work it'll take to get it.
I want happiness. I want my kids to be healthy and well rounded in every aspect of their lives. I want to look in the mirror most days and be happy with what I see. I want to have a close relationship with my daughters. I want my son to stay sweet and be an active boy. I want peace to happen within my famliy and my daughters will learn to love each other without wanting to kill each other. I want the love of my life to be happy. I want my life to be settled.
Wanting what we can't have? Wanting what we can do for ourselves? Wanting more for ourselves then we had ever wanted before? Wanting a better future?
We all want things. It's what we do to get those things that matter. It takes hard work and it's not an easy path. But if it's worth it, then it's worth the work it'll take to get it.
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